dear reader,
the screen name purpleastoria was born out of two things i loved most: the color purple and belief in a universe beyond the one currently known and occupied. now, however, i am more of a pink-preferring girl and finding peace in a nebulous compressing sky has been long abandoned for the comfort sought right here on the ground; the earth below me moves and breathes mysteries and open-ended questions constantly.
i think i have outgrown purpleastoria.
but never you.
i will no longer update this blog but cannot delete it. purpleastoria is not my persona anymore but i would be betraying myself to deny the personal significance of what i've posted here.
the need to share my experiences creatively has led me to establish a new home for my writing:
murriedlife.wordpress.com
i hope you'll find me.
-a.
Showing posts with label i have no idea what i'm doing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i have no idea what i'm doing. Show all posts
13 September 2015
03 January 2014
anything but unlucky: 2013
dear reader,
happy new year to you. sincerely, thank you for catching up on my scattered ramblings. i wanted to post some reflections about this past year, which i have deemed 2013: the year the universe decided to test me and i passed (i think). if you know anything about me at all, you know that i constantly struggle with my unproductive flaws and ways to improve myself as a woman, a thinker, a friend, a breather of oxygen.
countdown, here we go.
13. i rarely bake or cook. call me lazy, or call me efficient: i prefer my foods simple (steamed vegetable of choice and boiled chicken with red curry sauce = weekly dinner option) and quickly thrown together. recipes that involve multiple verbs ("peel," "dice," "grate," "stir," "grease," "blend," and "combine" before i hit the second line) and ingredient lists longer than the contents of diet coke usually get filed and never used. but in 2013, my best friend introduced me to bountiful baskets (for $15, i was presented with a vegetable and a fruit basket containing fresh, seasonal produce) which has led to some fantastic new recipes. since i am not picky about veggies or fruit, each week's bounty was consumed in its entirety, since i hate waste and i was up for a new cooking challenge. i made turkey meatballs, roasted rainbow carrots with honey balsamic vinegar glaze, creamed corn and egg casserole with fresh anaheim peppers and ham, kale and sweet potato salad, mashed cauliflower with toasted breadcrumbs and parmesan, and many flavorful additions to my morning protein shake (fresh mango, pear, pomegranate, bananas, and blueberries).
12. exploring the northwest this past year has made me appreciate how lucky i am to choose whether i want to wake up to the hum of car tires on blacktop and never lose sight of building lights on rooftops or if my afternoon walk involves a lakeside mountain goat and finding sleeping bats nestled in rafters. in 2013, i roadtripped to montana, washington, and utah.
11. my annual closet purge revealed that i own so many beautiful clothing items and accessories-- each carrying a story about where i found it, how i wore it, and how much i really love getting ready in the morning to greet the world with an a-line jersey knit skirt or a lace peplum top or a studded gold bangle on my wrist.
10. very few people understand me and i am still in the process of accepting that i am mostly to blame for keeping secrets but finding a comfortable way to change how i interact with people (mainly of the opposite gender). so even though i consider myself truly close to a just handful of guys, 2013 severed my ties with two important people; shattering my idealization of a role model and friend in one case forced me to take a step back and question how, once again, i could so stupidly fail the test of finding a trustworthy, decent partner. i continue to struggle with letting go, removing the harsh personal blame and unnecessary guilt, and coming to terms with the idea that i am what x wants but not who he chooses. but i do not deserve to be pitted against petty, dependent bitches; so i move on.
9. my two best friends both had babies in september. ty and nancy are so very fortunate to be born into loving, supportive families with friends that loved them before they even met.
8. 2013 was the year of my lips taking center stage. lipstick, lip gloss, lip balm, lip crayon: the collection amasses.
7. for the first time ever, my alcoholic drink of choice is a glass of wine. while i prefer the sweet, preferably lightly carbonated wines, i really enjoy a cab with dinner. i tasted my first syrah, malbec, and viognier in 2013 and am excited to participate in the accessible sophistication of being deemed a wino.
6. i indulged in young adult fiction in 2013. if you know anything about me, you know that i pride myself in being a critic, a naysayer, and stubbornly refusing to "like" popular writing and movies. something changed this year, reader, and i found myself enjoying the hunger games series and pretty much anything written or inspired by john green. this is really a.big.deal.
5. i've always been a fan of makeup. what's not to love about shimmering eyeshadow or a new tube of mascara that never clumps? but in 2013, i realized i was definitely on the downward slope to 30 years old, and i decided to focus on a skincare regimen. during a mary kay make up demo, the rep stated, "it's easier to prevent than it is to reverse," and i suddenly imagined my face covered in little cornflakes needing to be microdermabrasion'ed the hell off of my skin. i suppose 28 years old isn't a terrible age to hopefully preserve a little of my youth even though my freckles and oddly placed facial moles continue to cause me great consternation.
4. my kia died by exploding the heater core and flooding the floor while i was at work. a tree fell on my new car. a giant nail lodged itself into my car tire. i am cursed with automobile issues, but 2013 taught me to be thankful and appreciate people with car-fixing skills. i have my talents and hobbies, but none of them are mechanically-based; i am so thankful that other people are good at what i am not and their passion helps people like me who ask google "why is my car flooded?" or "siri, directions to les schwab."
3. selfies were out of control this year, reader. i will never be able to forget what i looked like in 2013 from a variety of angles in different reflective surfaces.
2. my reputation for shirking any love interests peaked in 2013. my friends send me text messages with anti-love sentiments that remind them of me. but, even though i rarely talk about my intimate personal life, this past year was filled with interesting people, stories, and memories (some excellent and some irritating) that should be preserved in serifs or pixels-- someday.
1. as i look ahead to 2014, i am overwhelmed with thankfulness. i still feel young-- even if i am not anymore. physically, i am as strong as ever (who would have EVER though i would be the most athletic in my group of frieds-- of course, "athletic" is loosely applied). i wallow less in apathy and don't cry (regularly) in the shower anymore. my friends are varied and few but still just as amazing as ever. in 2014, i hope to exude a positive attitude of openness, willingness, and acceptance to continue to explore this simultaneously cruddy and intriguing world around me. invite me to share your joys too, reader.
your move, 2014. i'm ready.
14 April 2013
state of grace
dear readers,
should any of you remain: hello.
i've spent the last year in self-afflicted mild isolation. with great space comes great reflection. one such realization that i've been trying to put into words is the lack of love in my heart.
i know it sounds super corny and somewhat plebeian of me to discuss something as paltry as love. especially here. but, my recent years have made a malcontent out of me and i am hard to impress these days. this last year, i have been called cold and heartless and the b-word more times than i would like to admit; such blatant accusations about my inability (or unwillingness) to reciprocate true feelings has prompted me to embark on a new blog challenge.
a series of love letters.
don't panic just yet. each post will be addressed to a nameless person from my past. while i would so love (ha) to fill this challenge with letters of adornment directed at chuck bass and darkside skittles, my primary aim is to celebrate actual life experiences and feelings with actual people that have affected me, even if we were never actually in love per se. each post will, in some way, provide a sense of closure for me-- which, let's face it, for me may just be reflection and projection.
as always, my lovely reader(s), i appreciate you working through this with me. your suggestions and support are always welcome.
affected,
a.
so you were never a saint
should any of you remain: hello.
i've spent the last year in self-afflicted mild isolation. with great space comes great reflection. one such realization that i've been trying to put into words is the lack of love in my heart.
i know it sounds super corny and somewhat plebeian of me to discuss something as paltry as love. especially here. but, my recent years have made a malcontent out of me and i am hard to impress these days. this last year, i have been called cold and heartless and the b-word more times than i would like to admit; such blatant accusations about my inability (or unwillingness) to reciprocate true feelings has prompted me to embark on a new blog challenge.
a series of love letters.
don't panic just yet. each post will be addressed to a nameless person from my past. while i would so love (ha) to fill this challenge with letters of adornment directed at chuck bass and darkside skittles, my primary aim is to celebrate actual life experiences and feelings with actual people that have affected me, even if we were never actually in love per se. each post will, in some way, provide a sense of closure for me-- which, let's face it, for me may just be reflection and projection.
as always, my lovely reader(s), i appreciate you working through this with me. your suggestions and support are always welcome.
affected,
a.
so you were never a saint
and we loved in shades of wrong
we learned to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts,
but this love is brave and wild
09 October 2011
grocery shopping
i hate grocery shopping. you know, the planning, the driving around, the excuses, the time commitment, the letdown, and the eventual leftover baggage. it's really a big ordeal for me.
first, there's the list-making. you have to determine what you need and what you want. or you can just go in cold: you'll know what you want when you get there. some of us only think ahead for the week-- short-term fixes--while some can plan ahead for years. then there's the temptations once you're shopping, what looks (and sometimes smells) appealing but you know it's not good for you. food like that usually goes straight to your hips. or just leaves you with a tummy ache and heartburn.
then, you have decide where to go. somewhere large that's well-stocked but the quality is questionable? perhaps a smaller, local market where you have to wear the right clothes and are judged by what you leave with? or maybe just a quick drop-by wherever is convenient? sometimes you just never know. or maybe you're the type that shops with a friend to make the trip more exciting. i prefer the solo excurisions, personally.
if you're like me, the excuses soon start piling up though. often, i decide to make the effort tomorrow. afterall, i can't starve the rest of my life. but, the day wears me down, i decide i'm too tired, i'm not in the right mindset to deal with people and options, so i decide to go another time. that's when you start making bad choices: you start grab-buying, anything sounds good enough, and sooner than later you start resenting grocery shopping even more.
eventually, you'll make it to the grocery store with list in hand (or head) and you begin. maybe you start at the produce section-- full of fresh choices and implied expiration dates. healthy carrots? no. refreshing cucumbers? no. tall celery? sure. so there you are, eyeing the celery. the newest stock is presented in the front; the older, been-around-a-while celery is moved to the back to either expire or be selected later by more forgiving eyes. maybe you look for a slim package, light-weight but all you really need. or maybe you prefer stockier stems. but, be careful which one you choose. i mean, you can walk around with celery for a while, give it a good squeeze before deciding it's not really right for you. you might release it where it doesn't quite fit in (perhaps the scattered bulk foods, or the domestic cake-decorating aisle) or your good heart will let it down gently and place it back in its home--unspoiled and hopeful for another chance to be a shopper's desire. and despite the cruelty, you can leave it at the checkout stand, just seconds away from true commitment before your credit card seals the deal. however, it's just cruel to take it home and then bring it back-- it may never resell, since other shoppers will prefer new products in case yours has been "damaged."
there are times i return home from grocery shopping with seemingly nothing for all my efforts. other times, i end up with way more than i expected. sometimes everything was just perfect and you don't have to go grocery shopping for a while; sometimes you have to make room; sometimes you forgot something really important. i am often frustrated. i envy other shoppers for their efficiency and ability to find exactly what they're looking for. i am often discouraged, leave the grocery store grumpy and unsatisfied to head home and bask in what little i have from past experiences (leftover tidbits or remnants from a fancy appetizer). i wonder what other people think of grocery shopping, how often and when they find time and energy. perhaps this is why i rarely go, prefering instead the short and sporadic attempts at nutrition and sustenance.
i hate grocery shopping.
aren't there better things to do instead?
first, there's the list-making. you have to determine what you need and what you want. or you can just go in cold: you'll know what you want when you get there. some of us only think ahead for the week-- short-term fixes--while some can plan ahead for years. then there's the temptations once you're shopping, what looks (and sometimes smells) appealing but you know it's not good for you. food like that usually goes straight to your hips. or just leaves you with a tummy ache and heartburn.
then, you have decide where to go. somewhere large that's well-stocked but the quality is questionable? perhaps a smaller, local market where you have to wear the right clothes and are judged by what you leave with? or maybe just a quick drop-by wherever is convenient? sometimes you just never know. or maybe you're the type that shops with a friend to make the trip more exciting. i prefer the solo excurisions, personally.
if you're like me, the excuses soon start piling up though. often, i decide to make the effort tomorrow. afterall, i can't starve the rest of my life. but, the day wears me down, i decide i'm too tired, i'm not in the right mindset to deal with people and options, so i decide to go another time. that's when you start making bad choices: you start grab-buying, anything sounds good enough, and sooner than later you start resenting grocery shopping even more.
eventually, you'll make it to the grocery store with list in hand (or head) and you begin. maybe you start at the produce section-- full of fresh choices and implied expiration dates. healthy carrots? no. refreshing cucumbers? no. tall celery? sure. so there you are, eyeing the celery. the newest stock is presented in the front; the older, been-around-a-while celery is moved to the back to either expire or be selected later by more forgiving eyes. maybe you look for a slim package, light-weight but all you really need. or maybe you prefer stockier stems. but, be careful which one you choose. i mean, you can walk around with celery for a while, give it a good squeeze before deciding it's not really right for you. you might release it where it doesn't quite fit in (perhaps the scattered bulk foods, or the domestic cake-decorating aisle) or your good heart will let it down gently and place it back in its home--unspoiled and hopeful for another chance to be a shopper's desire. and despite the cruelty, you can leave it at the checkout stand, just seconds away from true commitment before your credit card seals the deal. however, it's just cruel to take it home and then bring it back-- it may never resell, since other shoppers will prefer new products in case yours has been "damaged."
there are times i return home from grocery shopping with seemingly nothing for all my efforts. other times, i end up with way more than i expected. sometimes everything was just perfect and you don't have to go grocery shopping for a while; sometimes you have to make room; sometimes you forgot something really important. i am often frustrated. i envy other shoppers for their efficiency and ability to find exactly what they're looking for. i am often discouraged, leave the grocery store grumpy and unsatisfied to head home and bask in what little i have from past experiences (leftover tidbits or remnants from a fancy appetizer). i wonder what other people think of grocery shopping, how often and when they find time and energy. perhaps this is why i rarely go, prefering instead the short and sporadic attempts at nutrition and sustenance.
i hate grocery shopping.
aren't there better things to do instead?
02 May 2011
aaaaand cue lightbulb
Andrea: "the question I hate the most is 'why are you single?' because it's really the question of 'so what's wrong with you?' "
friend:
you're single because guys are like, "heeeeey."
and one girl is like, "ohmigosh someone is talking to me!!!! we are gonna get married!"
and then the bitches are like, "playa, get the fuck out."
but you, you're just like, "whatever....
....I'm gonna go take a picture of myself on my iPhone now."
so that's why.
friend:
you're single because guys are like, "heeeeey."
and one girl is like, "ohmigosh someone is talking to me!!!! we are gonna get married!"
and then the bitches are like, "playa, get the fuck out."
but you, you're just like, "whatever....
....I'm gonna go take a picture of myself on my iPhone now."
so that's why.
09 April 2011
is it possible the karma fairy screwed up?
this weekend is my "sad face" one-day weekend. but, nevertheless, I spent my afternoon volunteering for the humane society on one of their mobile adoptions-- or adoptions at another location other than the shelter.
I arrived and picked out the cutest 6 month old border collie mix puppy named neo. he has the softest ears! I gave him a big hug and kiss. about fifteen minutes into my shift, I was standing with neo and talking to another volunteer when I heard, "oh no! it's diarrhea!" which, let's face it, is never a good sign.
and it's definitely not a good sign when people are pointing to the dog at the end of my leash.
so, I collected paper towels and spray and doggie poo bags. the scent of green dog crap is just as terrible as it sounds. to calm down and to distract myself, I was thinking good thoughts (pretty ponies, tila tequila, warm blankets that smell like fresh laundry, tila tequila again...) but the disgustingly warm poo just melted to watery chunks when I tried grabbing it with the mutt mitt bags.
I walked neo outside, let him pee, and headed back inside where it was not raining. about 10 feet inside the store, the dreaded "shit hunch" started again and he squirted out some more #2's all over the floor. in a circle.
checked my watch. 18 minutes had passed. 3 hours and 42 minutes to go.
another 4 minutes pass and I'm handed another dog-- the volunteer's back began spasming and she couldn't handle the 56 lb lab mix with no leash training anymore. so as I'm being jerked in a perpetual circle (because the dog is more than half my weight and more than 60000 times beyond my comfort zone), I'm thinking I should have just stayed home and painted my nails.
I looked long and hard at my situation. 3 older ladies are cuddling their chihuahua mixes and runny neo on their laps, chattering away. the two high school boys are being dragged around the store with their pit bull and Australian shepherd. I mean, I know I work out at Golds and everything, but seriously. seriously! at some point, I feel the strain of my smile as I tried--over and over-- to calm the dog down with kind words, lots of petting, and repeated visits outside.
when my second blister popped and started oozing, I felt the sharp sting of hot tears in my eyes. I can only fantasize about tila's ginormously perfect rack for so long before the physical pain and my natural emoness take over.
as the unnamed tank/dog attempted to dislocate my shoulder for the 70th time, I vowed that my good deeds have to end. I try to do something nice and just get screwed. rather mindlessly, I let the tornado-on-a-leash lead us outside. right before we made it to the doors, a young couple look at the dog, point, and exclaim, "IT'S HER! SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!"
they proceed to shower her with undue compliments and affection. they mumble something about how they saw her online profile, heard about the mobile adoption on Facebook, and came down to see her. this is the one and only time I have ever seriously wanted to make out with al gore, for his marvelous invention of the interweb was a beacon of heaven and lead to my salvation.
they announced they want to adopt her. my heart fluttered with joy and relief! they began the paperwork, left briefly to get some money, and were very excited to get Lily (they named her after a while) home to Coors, their other dog.
I inspected my leash wounds.
and concluded that this would be the last mobile adoption I work at. if there was some way to specify weight/breed preferences or to morph into experienced dog-handler over night, I would love to continue helping these animals find their future homes.
but seriously, reader, all I could think about was going home, washing the stink of poop and drool off of me, and gorging on some top ramen.
these converses are made for admin volunteering.
the end.
I arrived and picked out the cutest 6 month old border collie mix puppy named neo. he has the softest ears! I gave him a big hug and kiss. about fifteen minutes into my shift, I was standing with neo and talking to another volunteer when I heard, "oh no! it's diarrhea!" which, let's face it, is never a good sign.
and it's definitely not a good sign when people are pointing to the dog at the end of my leash.
so, I collected paper towels and spray and doggie poo bags. the scent of green dog crap is just as terrible as it sounds. to calm down and to distract myself, I was thinking good thoughts (pretty ponies, tila tequila, warm blankets that smell like fresh laundry, tila tequila again...) but the disgustingly warm poo just melted to watery chunks when I tried grabbing it with the mutt mitt bags.
I walked neo outside, let him pee, and headed back inside where it was not raining. about 10 feet inside the store, the dreaded "shit hunch" started again and he squirted out some more #2's all over the floor. in a circle.
checked my watch. 18 minutes had passed. 3 hours and 42 minutes to go.
another 4 minutes pass and I'm handed another dog-- the volunteer's back began spasming and she couldn't handle the 56 lb lab mix with no leash training anymore. so as I'm being jerked in a perpetual circle (because the dog is more than half my weight and more than 60000 times beyond my comfort zone), I'm thinking I should have just stayed home and painted my nails.
I looked long and hard at my situation. 3 older ladies are cuddling their chihuahua mixes and runny neo on their laps, chattering away. the two high school boys are being dragged around the store with their pit bull and Australian shepherd. I mean, I know I work out at Golds and everything, but seriously. seriously! at some point, I feel the strain of my smile as I tried--over and over-- to calm the dog down with kind words, lots of petting, and repeated visits outside.
when my second blister popped and started oozing, I felt the sharp sting of hot tears in my eyes. I can only fantasize about tila's ginormously perfect rack for so long before the physical pain and my natural emoness take over.
as the unnamed tank/dog attempted to dislocate my shoulder for the 70th time, I vowed that my good deeds have to end. I try to do something nice and just get screwed. rather mindlessly, I let the tornado-on-a-leash lead us outside. right before we made it to the doors, a young couple look at the dog, point, and exclaim, "IT'S HER! SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!"
they proceed to shower her with undue compliments and affection. they mumble something about how they saw her online profile, heard about the mobile adoption on Facebook, and came down to see her. this is the one and only time I have ever seriously wanted to make out with al gore, for his marvelous invention of the interweb was a beacon of heaven and lead to my salvation.
they announced they want to adopt her. my heart fluttered with joy and relief! they began the paperwork, left briefly to get some money, and were very excited to get Lily (they named her after a while) home to Coors, their other dog.
I inspected my leash wounds.
and concluded that this would be the last mobile adoption I work at. if there was some way to specify weight/breed preferences or to morph into experienced dog-handler over night, I would love to continue helping these animals find their future homes.
but seriously, reader, all I could think about was going home, washing the stink of poop and drool off of me, and gorging on some top ramen.
these converses are made for admin volunteering.
the end.
05 April 2011
31 March 2011
the goods: tips
this, readers, is what comes of bad deeds.
a customer needed an early refill on his ambien, because, you know, he left it somewhere. i hestitated, got the nod from the pharmacist, and went about my merry way clicking all of the OK buttons on the computer screen to fill his prescription afterall. on a scale of 1-10 of annoyance, he was about a 2. he wandered off, and i moved to the fill station to pour some little yellow pills out.
he came back, and i heard him tell the other tech, "i won the lottery!" he then produced several twenty dollar bills, as he won the scratch ticket lotto game... and he was visibly excited.
"hey! want to share?" i asked him, ambien bottle in hand.
"if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't have waited around and won! buy yourself a coffee!" he shoved a $20 across the counter.
i stared at it, certain this seeming bribe would cause the karma fairy to come crap and vomit on my head.
"i can't. no, i can't do that. buy yourself something nice," i told him.
"NO!" he said, "i insist. please, it's all because of you guys. seriously. buy yourself a coffee."
after several back and forth "no" and "yes," he left with his prescription (paid for in cash) and the lone $20 on the counter called out to me.
i announced to the tech and pharmacist we could buy some amazing snacks. visions of jelly beans, triscuits, and FRS galore danced through my head.
"no, i can't spend someone else's money," said both of them.
i contemplated how many cinnamon rolls $20 could buy for me alone-- briefly-- and then conceded to their point of view. slowly, i withdrew a white envelope from our stationary drawer, and wrote "snack fund yum-yum-yum" on the front, and placed the cash inside.
enjoy, less greedy coworkers.
a customer needed an early refill on his ambien, because, you know, he left it somewhere. i hestitated, got the nod from the pharmacist, and went about my merry way clicking all of the OK buttons on the computer screen to fill his prescription afterall. on a scale of 1-10 of annoyance, he was about a 2. he wandered off, and i moved to the fill station to pour some little yellow pills out.
he came back, and i heard him tell the other tech, "i won the lottery!" he then produced several twenty dollar bills, as he won the scratch ticket lotto game... and he was visibly excited.
"hey! want to share?" i asked him, ambien bottle in hand.
"if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't have waited around and won! buy yourself a coffee!" he shoved a $20 across the counter.
i stared at it, certain this seeming bribe would cause the karma fairy to come crap and vomit on my head.
"i can't. no, i can't do that. buy yourself something nice," i told him.
"NO!" he said, "i insist. please, it's all because of you guys. seriously. buy yourself a coffee."
after several back and forth "no" and "yes," he left with his prescription (paid for in cash) and the lone $20 on the counter called out to me.
i announced to the tech and pharmacist we could buy some amazing snacks. visions of jelly beans, triscuits, and FRS galore danced through my head.
"no, i can't spend someone else's money," said both of them.
i contemplated how many cinnamon rolls $20 could buy for me alone-- briefly-- and then conceded to their point of view. slowly, i withdrew a white envelope from our stationary drawer, and wrote "snack fund yum-yum-yum" on the front, and placed the cash inside.
enjoy, less greedy coworkers.
28 March 2011
the goods: old movie quotes
I spent most of the morning thinking about how I should get out of bed and make pancakes and sausage... instead, I took an extra long shower, got back in bed, made some coffee, and distracted myself with tumblr and the like.
my birthday is in late august, so getting older used to mean pool parties, BBQ, and friends when I lived in California. I think my 13th birthday involved watching "10 things I hate about you" and swooning over Heath Ledger.
this challenge to find good things has indeed been a challenge, readers. I don't know why my life has to seem so complicated and convoluted-- other than perhaps it is an elegant scheme by my neuroses and subconscious.
he told me, "you know, the worst thing about you is that you're beautiful and smart and don't even know it. or don't know how to believe it... tragic." I've been pondering the implications of the "worst" of me. and I've got nothing.
so maybe the problem isn't the problem. it's every little avoidable detail that caused the problem, that will cause another problem, and another after that.
beauty has nothing to do with it.
my birthday is in late august, so getting older used to mean pool parties, BBQ, and friends when I lived in California. I think my 13th birthday involved watching "10 things I hate about you" and swooning over Heath Ledger.
this challenge to find good things has indeed been a challenge, readers. I don't know why my life has to seem so complicated and convoluted-- other than perhaps it is an elegant scheme by my neuroses and subconscious.
he told me, "you know, the worst thing about you is that you're beautiful and smart and don't even know it. or don't know how to believe it... tragic." I've been pondering the implications of the "worst" of me. and I've got nothing.
so maybe the problem isn't the problem. it's every little avoidable detail that caused the problem, that will cause another problem, and another after that.
beauty has nothing to do with it.
26 March 2011
the goods: cashing in
I deposited my first "talent check" for my one spoken line in a TV commercial that was filmed in Boise.
the responsible adult in me needs to buy groceries and toiletries. the playful adult in me wants to buy a new schwinn bicycle. the other hodge-podge, oxymoronic adult in me wants to but an xacto knife and fabric and Jack daniels and nail polish and real watercolors and a little fishy friend.
the responsible adult in me needs to buy groceries and toiletries. the playful adult in me wants to buy a new schwinn bicycle. the other hodge-podge, oxymoronic adult in me wants to but an xacto knife and fabric and Jack daniels and nail polish and real watercolors and a little fishy friend.
the goods: this is a clever post, where I am really sad inside but pretend it's a good thing
tonight, I celebrated my friend christy's birthday. her always thoughtful and romantic husband planned a surprise dessert with her friends and family at a restaurant downtown. happy birthday, Christy!
afterwards, I decided to meet up with the bestie and some of her work friends. I tasted the strongest margarita I've ever had outside of las Vegas
and then people-watched at the balcony.
tonight, I was surrounded by people-- mostly strangers, but fellow humankind nonetheless. there was the fat-skinny girl in a sequin skirt, the howling boy in a wolf hat, the older man in a navy blue polo hogging the pool table: all seeking connections and attention. there I was too-- in my skinny jeans and newly dyed hair (back to black. playtime is over)-- feeling so alone and isolated and sad.
I would forget them all, never see any of them again, if I could only be with you.
tonight, instead of dancing or flirting or taking my top off, I wrote poetry on old gum wrappers. I thought of you, missed you, and wished you felt the same way.
so, upon crawling into bed, trolling tumblr, I found this:
stupid and silly as that is, it is exactly what my heart feels right now.
so I listen to some tunes:
and hope I see you in my dreams tonight. it seems to be the only way I can be happy.
afterwards, I decided to meet up with the bestie and some of her work friends. I tasted the strongest margarita I've ever had outside of las Vegas
and then people-watched at the balcony.
tonight, I was surrounded by people-- mostly strangers, but fellow humankind nonetheless. there was the fat-skinny girl in a sequin skirt, the howling boy in a wolf hat, the older man in a navy blue polo hogging the pool table: all seeking connections and attention. there I was too-- in my skinny jeans and newly dyed hair (back to black. playtime is over)-- feeling so alone and isolated and sad.
I would forget them all, never see any of them again, if I could only be with you.
tonight, instead of dancing or flirting or taking my top off, I wrote poetry on old gum wrappers. I thought of you, missed you, and wished you felt the same way.
so, upon crawling into bed, trolling tumblr, I found this:
stupid and silly as that is, it is exactly what my heart feels right now.
so I listen to some tunes:
and hope I see you in my dreams tonight. it seems to be the only way I can be happy.
20 March 2011
the goods: lusty lavender, sort of
on Friday night, I sat in my car in walmart's parking lot anticipating my next purchase: splat's hair dye kit in lusty lavender. I have been craving a change-- but wondered if bleaching my own hair would really accomplish anything. here's how it went.
the obligatory "before" shot:
for all you naysayers, there was a hint of black cherry dye leftover from before! look at these roots:
anyway, I suited up in my homemade shirt-protector:
combined the bleach and mixer stuff:
squirted blue stuff randomly on my head and covered up. I peeked every few minutes to see what was going on:
remembered-- again-- why I should not be allowed to do this stuff alone:
30 minutes, a rinse, and blowdry later revealed I was a frickin calico cat:
then the dye....
and voilà :
another shot from the real world:
not exactly lavender like I hoped-- but it's still fun. what do you think my next "crisis averted" adventure will be?
the obligatory "before" shot:
for all you naysayers, there was a hint of black cherry dye leftover from before! look at these roots:
anyway, I suited up in my homemade shirt-protector:
combined the bleach and mixer stuff:
squirted blue stuff randomly on my head and covered up. I peeked every few minutes to see what was going on:
remembered-- again-- why I should not be allowed to do this stuff alone:
30 minutes, a rinse, and blowdry later revealed I was a frickin calico cat:
then the dye....
and voilà :
another shot from the real world:
not exactly lavender like I hoped-- but it's still fun. what do you think my next "crisis averted" adventure will be?
18 March 2011
the goods: post-eye doctor life
check out my sweet sunglasses from the eye doctor! my eyes are dilated: I can't focus up close, I don't walk straight, simple tasks like writing a chek confuse me, and I drive like an Asian times ten. Charlie Sheen, how do you do it?!
13 March 2011
the goods: self pep talk
I am failing at this blog challenge, readers. I am sorry.
this morning I woke up warm and rested, then I remembered where I was, who I wasn't with, what is going on, and my heart broke all over again.
but it's time to listen to some Tay-Tay and move on.
11 March 2011
the goods: daydreaming of death
somehow at work, we started talking about "what if you were dying and were granted one dream from make-a-wish foundation?" sounds easy, right? after tormenting myself for days trying to come up with something-- ANYTHING-- that i would like to do for my dying wish, i think i finally decided.
at first, i thought: travel. but what if fiji's coral coast doesn't really look like this? and what if the rumored magical blue lagoon is just a big puddle with little fishies?
and then i thought: spend the day with a role model. and while dancing on stage with brit brit could be an unforgettable, one of a kind experience, i don't think writhing around and sweating would be totally satisfying.
and then i thought: disneyworld. yah, disneyworld. good choice. i've never been to florida. i mean, think of the castles:
and the princesses:
and the lights:
and a great opportunity to practice my asian tourist pose:
and eat a mickey mouse breakfast:
and remember what it's like to have a good time:
unforunately, i am dying at the average/normal rate and will probably never get to visit disneyworld to stalk harry potter or eat ice cream sandwiches in the shape of mickey's ears. but still. it's fun to dream.
at first, i thought: travel. but what if fiji's coral coast doesn't really look like this? and what if the rumored magical blue lagoon is just a big puddle with little fishies?
and then i thought: spend the day with a role model. and while dancing on stage with brit brit could be an unforgettable, one of a kind experience, i don't think writhing around and sweating would be totally satisfying.
and then i thought: disneyworld. yah, disneyworld. good choice. i've never been to florida. i mean, think of the castles:
and the princesses:
and the lights:
and a great opportunity to practice my asian tourist pose:
and eat a mickey mouse breakfast:
and remember what it's like to have a good time:
unforunately, i am dying at the average/normal rate and will probably never get to visit disneyworld to stalk harry potter or eat ice cream sandwiches in the shape of mickey's ears. but still. it's fun to dream.
08 March 2011
the goods: spring flowers
spring time must be coming. and it makes the grocery store smell amazing. and it makes me wish I was responsible enough to care for something so pretty.
15 January 2011
laughable
last night after work, I grabbed a bottle of "black cherry" hair dye.
I'm getting tired of dealing with this mane.
so I put on my game shirt...
mixed up all the stuff, snapped on the rubber gloves, and started parting and squirting.
waiting 25 minutes was the hard part after watching "ghost rider" failed to hold my attention (ok, add that one to the top 5 worst comic-book-turned-movie list)...
after rinsing my hair, it looked like "Dexter" was filmed in my bathtub.
had some fun with my conditioning creme top knot...
learned why apartmens ask for a security deposit and decided to kiss mine goodbye...
saw some signs of color...
but this morning revealed no big change afterall.
s'alright. there are worse ways to spend a Friday night.
I'm getting tired of dealing with this mane.
so I put on my game shirt...
mixed up all the stuff, snapped on the rubber gloves, and started parting and squirting.
waiting 25 minutes was the hard part after watching "ghost rider" failed to hold my attention (ok, add that one to the top 5 worst comic-book-turned-movie list)...
after rinsing my hair, it looked like "Dexter" was filmed in my bathtub.
had some fun with my conditioning creme top knot...
learned why apartmens ask for a security deposit and decided to kiss mine goodbye...
saw some signs of color...
but this morning revealed no big change afterall.
s'alright. there are worse ways to spend a Friday night.