dear x: come on get higher

dear x,

when people are in love, they celebrate their firsts: first date, first kiss, first house, first baby. when people like me lose people like you, they mourn their lasts:

the last time i heard you laugh, your cell phone rang and interrupted your piano playing (a rather melodramatic piece from the "lord of the rings" soundtrack). i heard you ask hello, followed by a brief silence, and then you erupted into a loud, resonating laughter. i am so glad, x, that that last hearty laugh was filled with your sincere happiness.

the last drink we shared together, you poured me a healthy glass of grape vodka over ice while you sipped on some gin. we sat on the old blue comforter from your bed and watched "little miss sunshine." the fan overhead rustled the living room curtains, and my cheeks flushed from the room heat and alcohol.

the last words you said to me directly were, "i am going home in a few days. but when i get back, don't be here." you banished me from our hallway, never again to watch your shadows dart under the door as you walked by in the morning. you didn't care where i slept at night, as long as our toothbrushes weren't stored together and i took my coffee table with me.

the last time we were in the same room, i attended a poetry reading at a wine shop after i graduated. you introduced the readers, speaking slowly and nervously into a microphone. your words sounded rehearsed as i feigned interest in a nebulous object slightly above your head. i resisted the urge to wonder when you had purchased the blue button down dress shirt that you wore that evening.

the last email you sent me was a department meeting announcement. i was just another cc, another itemized address on your list, another person you reached out to only to receive fewer replies than questions. reading your name at the bottom of a carefully worded form letter made me realize how foreign you were about to become-- we would exist separately, each like a chapter in different books on unrelated subjects resting on library shelves three thousand miles apart.

the last time that i will tell you that i loved you is here in this love letter, x. i loved you, i am certain. and i miss you-- so much that it hurts-- but you moved on and it's time for me to do the same. i wish you a lifetime of  encapsulated poetry, that each new first is an enchanting and inspiring moment for you.

because loving you was my last.

love,
a.

and i ache to remember

all the violent

sweet

perfect

words that you said

dear x: you are my sunshine

dear x,

we sat around a bonfire pit: you held a bottle of gordon's and a menthol in one hand and i sat cross legged in a splintery wooden chair. the crackling dance of orange flames had already settled but the glowing embers still licked furiously at my cheeks and eyelashes. the night before, we tried holding hands on your couch "just to see" if either of us could feel anything other than apathy towards another person. we mutually postponed our conclusions.

i thought, maybe we should return to our discussion.

i inhaled; my exhales were staccato and hesitant.

i smelled my hair.

i inhaled again.

and then you started whistling. you licked your lips. the tone was shrill. i recognized the tune after you finished the second measure of the chorus. i watched your pursed lips as a smile formed at the edges of my mouth, so i fidgeted with the hem of my shorts.

"you are my sunshine," you started singing. "my only sunshine." you were not whistling anymore.

"don't," i teased.

"you make me happy when skies are gray."

"british or american spelling?"

"you'll never know just how much i--" you paused.

and waited.

i waited. heat rose to my cheeks, hotter than any sting from a fire.  love you, just say it, x. how much i love you, it's part of the song, it doesn't mean you actually do. do you?

"so american spelling?" i continued.

we never referred to that night again. to this day, x, i wonder why you chose that song, in that moment, for that reason, to break that particular silence. this love letter, x, finishes what you didn't say. you took my sunshine away when you failed to trust that i could possibly reciprocate your feelings-- familiar apathy or love. my skies may forever be gray,

because what is now just another night around a pit for you is a heartbreaking moment of regret for me.

love,
a.

nothing else could come between

but now you've left me to love another

you have shattered all of my dreams

sunny soundtrack

so glad today was warm (this is a relative term...) and sunny!

the song in my heart finally sounds like, "every time you smile, i smile...":



because i'm really, really tired of hearing "it rains when you're here amd it rains when you're gone":





what song is playing on your life's soundtrack right now, reader?

"i think love is fearless"

me

without you

is like

taylor swift



without rain

"the way you move is like a full on rain storm. and i'm a house of cards."

the goods: new songs to get stuck in my head

way to go, katy perry.

the goods: my life in lyrics

my pandora radio station for rihanna played this song a little while ago. loved the Grammy performance of "part 2" and "I need a doctor." i have been listening to this song more than usual lately.

think think... think think...

my head feels cluttered lately, as if the useless thoughts are impeding budding questions from breaking through the ever-rising compost pile.  so let's dig a little, shall we?

- currently, boise is experiencing 70 mph winds. KTVB just reported a fire and power outages in the area.  almost 2 years ago, dear mary ellen ryder passed away in a house fire due to strong winds on an august afternoon.  god and i were on tenuous terms prior to ME's tragic death; i fear that now i may never be able to accept someone as my savior who would allow (will?) such a brilliant, inspiring, and bright woman to perish in such a violent and disturbing way.  yet, makers and sellers of child porn will sleep soundly in their beds tonight, mildly perturbed by the sounds of rattling wind chimes and leaky doors.

- after a recent conversation with a self-proclaimed liberal (*insert rolling eyes*), i am even more convinced that elitism suffers unfairly from society's gradual assignment of its negative connotation.  aforementioned a-hole-- i mean, "liberal dude"-- mourned the absence of certain activities in the world olympics.  he maintained that skateboarding was truly worthy of olympian sport status.  isn't curling embarrassing enough?  think about it: one 14-year-old girl can run, catapult herself over a gymnastics horse, twirl mid-air, twirl again mid-air, and land on her feet-- all in a matter of 2 seconds-- and yet she is just in the company of a curling olympian who shares a medal too.  sweeping... flipping and twisting midair on snow skis down a steep slope of ice... sweeping...???  congratulations, mediocrity.  you've made excellence a bad word.

- i love my iphone 3g, but i think apple has purposely gutted its very life from my loving palms; rosie is noticeably slower and stupider, and i attribute her slow assent from the technology pedestal to iOS4's 15 minutes of fame.

- while i admire lady gaga's dedication to her music career, i cannot help but continue to doubt god's so-called dominion over the world's affairs after reading gaga's reaction to her record-breaking 13 VMA nominations: "God put me on earth for 3 reasons: to make loud music, gay videos, and cause a damn raucous."  like, thumbs up, lady... but we could really use someone to, oh, you know, cure cancer, solve food shortage problems, and bring back grammar lessons as the cool thing to do.

- if one claims to be an unique individual and another one claims to be an individual and so forth, does that mean that all those individuals are just part of one giant conglomerate mass of uniformity-- thus negating their individual status?

- each day, i become more and more comfortable with my refusal to breed.

summer day 49

work, gym, PF changs with friends, and good conversation. and you wonder why this is the song I can't get out of my head...

may put a smile on your face.

bad moods possess me more often than not. i used to deal better with stupid people, but since they seem to be multiplying in grander numbers than my ignorance can keep up with, here i am: disgruntled, annoyed, and about ready to wave my white flag. they show up at work, they drive along side me, they make my food, they send me messages on myspace... i can't fight it anymore; i have to give in. congrats, stupid people-- you have my tax money, my forced politeness, and now a place in my blog. go buy some lobster tails with your food stamps.

but perhaps the universe compensates for the largely mindless and inept masses with music. it's not even good music, but the combo of lyrics and beat and whatever almost guarantee a better mood. for instance:

"happy together"-- the turtles

i know it is a cheesy song, but it kind of makes me tilt my head back and forth and want to dance with someone i love.

"today was a fairytale"-- taylor swift

when i listen to most t-swizzle songs, i dance around my kitchen. but how awesome is the feeling when you first fall in love-- you can't stop smiling, you can't get enough of that person, you feel like cinderella has nothing on you.

"UR so gay"-- katy perry

there's a guilty sort of happiness associated with this song. it's vindictive in a p!nk-esque manner but in a prettier outfit.

"feeling this"-- blink 182

this song reminds me of summer. and it reminds me of one of the best nights of my life, hearing and seeing blink 182 on stage in san diego with miss karley dee. i grew up listening to blink 182, so being so close to mark, tom, and travis was one of those out-of-body experiences for me. they weren't just people dancing around on a computer screen; they were speaking the very words that i put on repeat over and over to get me through a break up or during a steamy summer make out session.

"pieces of me"--ashlee simpson

i love my ashlee-- her music is so catchy and processed, and i love it. anna forced me to sing this on xbox karakoe revolution... it's true. in the song, ashlee expresses her own comfortability with her flaws and isn't it awesome to think that someone out there could fully accept and cherish those very things that make her unique? way to go, wentz! but seriously. i find myself singing into a fake mic everytime i hear this song.
youtube won't let me post the official videos for these songs-- but i think you've got the idea. what are some of your favorites?

today is today and is never going to happen again.

listen:

i'm still struggling with the glaring reality that i have nothing interesting to contribute to the internet world of blogging. that, and i haven't written anything of note for months so i'm frighteningly (more) self-conscious about every keystroke combination. i am ashamed.

so let's start off random i suppose:

- i recently purchased the most expensive bottle of lotion in my spending history. which, really, is not that much. like $7. i know. gasp. but i swear it works: curel ultimate healing in the blue bottle.

- scentsy is awesome. i scoffed at its promise to deliver "scent-sational" smells in 6" tall pots. as i inhale the delicate yet refreshing scent of pima cotton from my raised-dot daisy warmer, i point and laugh at my inner skeptic.

- my betta toby is not a killer fish like i originally thought. carl the black mystery snail is just a lazy slug that hibernates for weeks (upside down) at the bottom of the tank. i'm both relieved and somewhat disappointed that murder in my apartment will just have to occur at some other point in time.

- my mother informed me last week that she was very upset and disappointed that i recently donated all my size 00 and 0 jeans and xxs/xs(/and yes some small...) shirts to the goodwill. her comment was as follows: "all you have to do is lose some weight. what, 20 pounds?"

- november 21 marks my one year anniversary in my lovely apartment. if i could, i would give it a hug.

- i used to think i dated needy boys that just needed attention, needed praise, needed affection, needed time, needed all that mushy stuff, etc. while there may be some truth to that, i've painfully analyzed my unwillingness to supply such needs and have concluded that my heart is about thisbig. solution: feel more. it's hard. really hard. but i have to do it before i end up self-confined in a safely sealed room-- alone.

let's hope my attitude reflects a little less of this:




and more of this:

it's like watching someone run over your dog:

i wake up with words in my mouth. not literally, of course. each morning, there's a phrase waiting to be spoken-- and it's usually a line or two from a song. i used to diligently keep track of these lyrics in my journal to decode their significance and see what my subconscious was trying to tell me and/or what it sorted out as i slumbered.

i've been (un)surprisingly emotionless despite a rather traumatic break up. i tried to write about it. nothing. so i decided to read what little i've written over the last few months and-- lo and behold-- i started reading into the snippets of song lyrics i recorded since january.

and now you can share in this discovery:

january 11
"call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not"
-brand new, "the boy who blocked his own shot"

january 17
"this cannot wait, i'm yours"
-jason mraz, "i'm yours"

february 2
"i don't know why, i can't take my eyes off of you"
-lifehouse, "you & me"

february 6
"someone call the doctor, got a case of love bipolar"
-katy perry, "hot n cold"

march 3
"by the way i tried to say i'd be there waiting for you"
-red hot chili peppers, "by the way"

march 15
"i'll be fine if i don't look around me now too much for what's gone"
-the submarines, "brighter discontent"

march 23
"this love is difficult but it's real"
-taylor swift, "love story"

april 1
"i'm lying on the table with everything you said, keep it mind"
-taking back sunday, "this photograph is proof"

april 12
"i had that dream about you again where i wait outside until you let me in"
-blink 182, "roller coaster"

and now all i hear is a heartbeat when i wake up. maybe it's my subconscious trying to comfort me-- "you're not alone"-- or taunt me with the realization that i have nothing left but my pulse to remind me that i'm alive.

los angeles: the city of traffic, palm trees, mark, and more

listen:
as i pack for my second summer trip--to las vegas (with my bff kim texting me every hour or so asking if i've packed yet... she's been packing for a week now)-- i realized that i didn't blog about my last trip to los angeles. after a tumultuous beginning of summer-- with my teaching/student dilemma, dumb boys, and moving into a new place (complete with my ex-friend-current-roommate-"awkward"'s shrinking my laundry, insulting my family, and telling me to "move the fuck out"... good times!), i really needed a break. i haven't felt this bitter about and spiteful towards people and life in a really long time, so i booked a flight to a city that makes everyone feel like they belong: los angeles. (can you sense the viscosity of sarcasm here?) my friend from junior high, mark, graciously offered to let me visit him and his new residence.

instead of giving you a detailed account of everything that we crammed into 3.5 days, here are some of the highlights:

- i toted kurt vonnegut's breakfast of champions with me to read on the plane, along with 5 fashion magazines. i read vonnegut the entire way there, immersed in the american life of kilgore trout and dwayne hoover. i pondered over words like "legume" and decided i want to start every piece of writing with "listen:" hovering over my prose.

- there are birds in LAX. no joke. chirping birds.

- upon arriving, mark informed me that his place was broken into the night before. the primary suspect is a 10-year-old boy who lives next door. however, little convict-in-training stole mark's keys, including ones to his home and car. that meant:

- going to in-n-out burger was a must before our ride departed. i would marry in-n-out.



- i got my butt kicked at trivial pursuit: dvd edition. it didn't ask me the important stuff: angelina jolie, britney spears, or "america's next top model."

- los angeles zoo! we spent 5.5 hours walking around, eating cold treats, wondering why the wax figurine makers were out of commissions, marking off all the viewed exhibits on the map (i left that up to mark), watching the "world of birds" show, and taking funny pictures like this:


(i love the camel's mouth. it's a black cavernous hole.)

- visiting mark's old seminary school, mostly because he treated me to a wonderful sushi dinner and warm sake in old pasadena:



- experiencing the getty museum: garden tour, bernini exhibit, and soaking in all the wonders of art. at the peru exhibit, a botanist drew a picture of a morning glory and assigned a latin phrase to it (here translating in english): "on the same day brings forth and ends it." beautiful.



- "nothing but beethoven" by the los angeles philharmonic symphony at the hollywood bowl. this was perhaps one of the coolest musical experiences i've ever had. if you look closely, you can see the hollywood sign above the bowl in the hills above it:



- hearing (which i did at venice beach) and seeing (from the getty) the ocean (at the same time) in santa monica:


- realizing that no matter where i go, i still feel so small. the world is such a big place; i'll leave this earth only having come to know a miniscule percentage of all it has to offer:

Music blog

Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud and press play. Use the song titles as your answers. NO CHEATING!

How does the world see me?
Song: Cause = Time
Artist: Broken Social Scene
Comments: Mathematical equations confuse me. Alas, I shall reign solitary with my liberal arts education.

Will I have a happy life?
Song: We Still Kill the Old Way
Artist: Lostprophets
Comments: Perhaps?

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: She is Beautiful
Artist: Andrew W.K.
Comments: Suh-weet!

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: Love Shack
Artist: B-52's
Comments: Hmm. . . maybe it's the Melville obsession that turns heads?

How can I make myself happy?
Song: The World I Know
Artist: Collective Soul
Comments: Remember, we are in the world but not of the world. Thank you, Anne Bradstreet.

What should I do with my life?
Song: Singing in my Sleep
Artist: Semisonic
Comments: See! I should spend the majority of my time unconscious!

What will fill my life?
Song: Champagne Supernova
Artist: Oasis
Comments: I'm OK with that.

How can I maximize my happiness?
Song: Shadow
Artist: Ashlee Simpson (no, I'm not ashamed that she's on my ipod!)
Comments: I think this goes along with the whole sleep thing. And besides, Emerson's light metaphors and Thoreau's symbolic awakeness get kinda old after a while.

What will my children be like?
Song: Pretty Handsome Awkward
Artist: Taking Back Sunday
Comments: Fair enough. (See, Becca, your children will be Gap-poster cute and mine will thrive on awkward moments. . . )

How will I die?
Song: Black Letter Day
Artist: The Cardigans
Comments: Surrounded by newsprint? I can deal with that.

What is some good advice for me?
Song: Cardiff-by-the-sea
Artist: The Ataris
Comments: Are you saying I need to get out more?

What is happiness?
Song: The Widow's Peak
Artist: Dashboard Confessional
Comments: Nothing makes me happier than dreaming about a new hairline.

What is one of my obsessions?
Song: Foolish Games
Artist: Jewel
Comments: Oh, please, that is so high school-- unless you count 'games' in some sort of Scattegories-esque manner.

How will I be remembered?
Song: Goodbye to You (Acoustic)
Artist: Michelle Branch
Comments: At least someone will be around to say goodbye!

Any advice for the time-being?
Song: Over You
Artist: Chris Daughtry
Comments: Oh, ipod Nano, how I love you so.

(P.S.: Pray that the folllowing semester engulfs me in fascinating literature and provides some more clarity about my future so that I will no longer post such ridiculous blog entries. Thanks for reading!)