the obsession continues.

lately, i've been fighting this strange battle within (so, what's new?) and wondering what purpose this blog serves.

for you.

and for me.

i haven't reached a definitive answer, other than i'm glad you're reading-- and believe me when i say i never stop thinking up new things to write.  when someone says, "i just don't know what to write about, i have nothing to say," i question his/her intelligence and ability to observe and perceive the world around him/her.  please, you can't tell me you're not inspired by something-- a child singing to himself in a shopping cart, the long-awaited arrival of decent watermelon at the local fruit stand (because, seriously, the wedges at albertson's are tops!), or working up the nerve to try a ke$ha-inspired makeup makeover.

thought persists.

you're always on my mind.

sunny soundtrack

so glad today was warm (this is a relative term...) and sunny!

the song in my heart finally sounds like, "every time you smile, i smile...":



because i'm really, really tired of hearing "it rains when you're here amd it rains when you're gone":





what song is playing on your life's soundtrack right now, reader?

welcome, April

good evening, fearless reader. I hope you had a great weekend-- what fun things did you experience? thoughts you'd like to share?

well, march is over and it's the first month of 2011 that I can say I'm not bidding good riddance to. march was filled with so many awesome moments (thanks for reading and sharing those little excitements with me)-- and many I didn't share here-- but it was also a month of goodbyes and heartaches and realizations. march also set a new record: 599 blog views in 31 days! I wish I knew every single one of you reading about my quirky life-- leave me a comment about you and what inspires you to live, please!

this weekend was so great-- hello, 4-2011! on Friday, I met up with my best friend and perused the mall and then we gorged on Thai food (spring rolls, pho, and drunken noodles! hell yes!).





on Saturday, I woke up early to browse the thrift stores for some cheap summer clothes and met becca for lunch at Idaho pizza company-- our semi-official meeting place.





then I worked (yay overtime!) and hung out with gregory house all night.






this morning I had bfast with CR (and wife) and discussed his current writing project. still loving the fresh fruit and granola from big city. I spent the afternoon sitting in the sun with my mom, mulling over life and whatnot. tonight, I went to a potluck at kim's and had a great time observing the group's umm libations and whatnot.



this weekend reminds me that life goes on. I can't waste my time waiting for something that is never going to happen and wanting people in my life who don't give a damn about me. I need to surround myself with friends and attitudes that motivate and enlighten me. I'm getting there.

now to put my magnetic poetry calendar back together.






and it's time to get some sleep. I've been awake for over 24 hours now-- perhaps the first time since grad school!

the goods: golden wok

when i was driving home, i saw a golden wok delivery truck! they drove by too fast so i didn't get a pic, but doesn't chow mein sound amazing right now?

the goods: unexplainable mysteries of life

preparing to paint my nails and realized that my left middle toe has no polish on it anymore. where did it go?

I swear my life is being secretly filmed and this is all a giant practical joke.

the goods: post-eye doctor life

check out my sweet sunglasses from the eye doctor! my eyes are dilated: I can't focus up close, I don't walk straight, simple tasks like writing a chek confuse me, and I drive like an Asian times ten. Charlie Sheen, how do you do it?!

the goods: daydreaming of death

somehow at work, we started talking about "what if you were dying and were granted one dream from make-a-wish foundation?"  sounds easy, right?  after tormenting myself for days trying to come up with something-- ANYTHING-- that i would like to do for my dying wish, i think i finally decided.

at first, i thought: travel. but what if fiji's coral coast doesn't really look like this? and what if the rumored magical blue lagoon is just a big puddle with little fishies?

and then i thought: spend the day with a role model. and while dancing on stage with brit brit could be an unforgettable, one of a kind experience, i don't think writhing around and sweating would be totally satisfying.

and then i thought: disneyworld.  yah, disneyworld.  good choice.  i've never been to florida.  i mean, think of the castles:

and the princesses:

and the lights:

and a great opportunity to practice my asian tourist pose:

and eat a mickey mouse breakfast:

and remember what it's like to have a good time:

unforunately, i am dying at the average/normal rate and will probably never get to visit disneyworld to stalk harry potter or eat ice cream sandwiches in the shape of mickey's ears.  but still.  it's fun to dream.

like a prism

about a week ago, a customer paid for her prescription with a credit card that had an image of her daughter and her standing in front of a large mountain.  she told me that her capital one card let her choose her own background picture-- and i added "had to choose from a golf ball, forest, or flower" to the long list of reasons why i despise US bank.

and then, i dreamed at length of which image i would choose for my not-going-to-happen bank card that-- according to capital one's website-- would be "unique" like me.  "unique" is such a quaint way to describe me.  i prefer "special," if you must know.

maybe i would pick a classic, cute background design to show my artsy side.

or maybe something to show my angsty/emo side:

or maybe something to show my resclusive but still loves comic strips side:

or something to remind me of my favorite place on earth (besides my bed), patrick's point:

or maybe something to show my soft spot for pandas, especially little fuzzy baby waby pandas:

wow, i can't forget britney from my all-time favorite photo shoot:

what about you, reader? what image would you choose?

tradition

about this time every year, I ask myself, "WTF. why do I live in Idaho."

new: monkey

don't you think the monkey resembles jim gaffigan?





i think so too.

so of course i bought it.

not new: but still worth posting

I went to winco tonight to buy some food for my party tomorrow, and--like all visits to the grocery store of horrors-- I experienced two things that made me question humanity:

1) I turned right into an aisle and a boy about 11-12 years old was standing in the middle of the row. he was about my height and slender, wearing a baseball hat. his dad looked at me looking at his son/obstacle and said, "move outta the way and let the little girl through." did I almost run over another child? I looked behind me, saw no one, and realized he was talking about me. so because I'm relatively the size of a teenage boy, my adult status needs to be diminuitized why? I'm a grown up, and I feel kind of insulted that people don't take me seriously.

2) while paying for my groceries, the checker looked at me and said, "how old are you?" which I grow increasingly tired of being asked. it's not like when I was 3 and can hold up my chubby fingers to reveal my age and boast about being SO OLD. i'm mid-20's now, people. so I asked why, and she said, "you look 14! and you're using a debit card!" LYKE OMG ROFL IDK LOLZ!!!! so I said, "oh. I'm 15. good guess." and she said, "really? do you drive?" 4 REALZ GURL? "I'm 25 actually." and she just stared at me, handed me my receipt, and said, "wow, good job, honey!" idiot.

why is our society obsessed with youth? should I be thankful that apparently I don't look like whatever 25 is supposed to look like-- that I can shave off half a decade of my age and no one would question me? should I be frustrated that society passes me off as a coming-of-age youngster needing guidance and assistance and curfew checks?

so I guess this means my Britney Spears obsession can stick around for a few more years. no need to rush that.

new: redemption?

today, a boy gave me his phone number. and not just any boy. he was "popular" in junior high and high school. athlete. gorgeous. I would have died if he talked to me 9 years ago. but today, he left me a facebook chat message with his phone number. "you should text me," he wrote. huh *pinch myself* what is going on?

because in junior high, he hung out with people that thought it would be entertaining/funny/sick and twisted to-- after somehow finding out my secret-- have my long-time elementary school crush (I harbored my silent admiration for this boy for years!) pretend to like me, pretend to be my boyfriend, and then break up with me and date an equally popular and attractive cheerleader. and you wonder why I think people are stupid. I grew up truly believing I was nerdy and awkward and unlikeable. and maybe I am. at least now, I am mentally capable of handling that (self) perception and no longer fall asleep crying from humiliation and loneliness.

however, homecoming king wrote me a really nice facebook message saying that he always thought I was pretty and asked when I would visit my California hometown again. I'm actually really flattered and sort of confused. so does this mean I'm actually not the real life equivalent of "never been kissed"'s Josie Grossie? I don't have to regret not possessing Carrie-like powers? did I create a world of adolescent torture out of pure misunderstanding? I mean, I know I have changed since high school-- I gained 15 pounds and got all learned up and I don't listen to the spice girls anymore.

who the heck am I and how did I get here?!

new: isaiah

dear readers,

i typed a thoughtful and meaningful post last night on my phone that did not post. steve jobs, i fall more and more OUT OF love with you every day.  here's my rewritten-- and perhaps less real-- version.

xoxo, -a.

tonight, i attended another friday night bible study at calvary chapel which focused on the sin of false idolatry.  the group's regular leader was absent, but i rather liked the lecture-style of this week's leader.  as we read passages from the book of isaiah-- which the study leader (is this the right word? it sounds odd) stated is the most quoted book in the new testament and is considered the most "linguistic" book of the bible-- i couldn't help but think of queequeg and his little wooden idol (from moby-dick, for the non-Melville enthusiasts).  but the actuality of worshipping false idols is far more prevalent than burning incense and hair in a closet.  according to isaiah 45:18-19, "he who created the heavens, he is God; he who fashioned and made the earth, he founded it; he did not create it to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited— he says:  "I am the LORD, and there is no other. (19) I have not spoken in secret, from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob's descendants,  'Seek me in vain.'"  so the evolutionist in me is a sinner, which i already knew.  then, the study leader said:

"it makes no sense that someone would want a God who is impersonal, who may or may not care about you and what happens to you. so when you die, you just poof into the air and become one with the universe?"

wait, has he been reading my blog?

according to the bible, God created everything with a purpose and does not hide from his seekers. curious.  so, i dedicated the remainder of my friday night to reading all 66 chapters of isaiah in order to learn more (and honestly, to scope out the so-called "linguistic" features... which i hope are isaiah's true words/meaning and not formed from the creative mind of the translator). 

here are a few things i discovered from my self-motivated new journey into the depths of the crinkly pages of my red NIV bible:

- yes, i am a sinner, but i am in good company.  God calls out "those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks" (5:22).

- i am somewhat comforted that isaiah depicts God as an astute and insightful knower of hearts.  God can see through the false praise and outwardly "christian" appearances and see to the blackness of humanity: "Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the LORD, who do their work in darkness and think, 'Who sees us? Who will know?' " (29:15).  the best kept secret does not escape God.  "what is dark in me illumine," wrote Milton (and which also serves as the inspiration for the title of my blog). so what are you doing to do about it?

- isaiah 53:10-11 caused me much anguish.  the message of the chapter is that christians undergo much suffering for God but are rewarded: "Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand. (11) After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied".  sooo... what if i don't want fertile loins and a long life and actually just throw my hands up and say "eff this" instead of wait around for my so-called prizes of children (gah) and universal satisfaction.  none of these things really appeal to me... perhaps i could bargain and ask for a free pass to eat all the sugar and carbs i want and not gain a pound.  sigh.

- and secondly, i have issues with someone accepting their lot in life as "a guilt offering" of God.  here, child who was molested by your step-father, be comforted.  here, student of columbine high school who was shot in the face, know you have a purpose.  like, wtf.

sometimes i wish we all could just get along.  sometimes i wish my brain and heart would work together to find peace.  sometimes i wish my constant struggle for purpose and meaning would just be answered.  sometimes i wish a bacom guacamole burger with a side of fries could cure not only a rumbling tummy but also a wandering mind.

as always, your thoughts are welcome.

new: bible study

tonight, I went to a bible study at Calvary Chapel. the fellow studiers were singles around 25-30 years old, including my friend Amy. I have not been to church or a bible study in years--for many reasons, mostly personal-- so this new experience prompts much reflection and many questions.

the focus of tonight's study was on the definition of man/sin in order to establish the importance of a foundation in Gos. we looked at 1 Thessalonians 5 and the first few chapters of Genesis. the bible states that man was fashioned after God and was given a task to tend the garden of Eden-- until, as we all know, the serpent tricked Eve and the fall of mankind ensued. we, therefore, are cursed with physical pain and separation from God because of sin. man is three parts: spirit, soul, and body. all three parts suffer because of original sin, but the spirit is important because it is a metaphorical umbilical cord to God. as the bible study leader said, we cannot know God without our spirit and we will be denied entrance into the kingdom of heaven.

cool. I believe all of that. I do not doubt that Eve was tempted by Satan with the false promise that everything would be ok, that through her rebellion she would learn about good and evil, and that sharing her knowledge would lead to greater enlightenment. so mankind is weak; but God made him so. and I believe that Christians are terrified by the thought of eternal separation from God and therefore spending their life away from earth in hell with the devil (any episode of "South Park" would confirm that). but what if the thought of living FOREVER makes me feel so tired and hopeless that I wish for nonexistence beyond my temporal life? like, really, I go through life here and there's still more to it? please.

how do spirit, soul, and body work together? who do I really address when I say things like, "oh my god" and "I swear..."? why don't I pray? (tonight, I prayed out loud for the first time in a prayer circle.) what keeps me from acceptance-- if belief is there, why won't I receive?

we all answer to a higher power. it's figuring out what/who that really is.

next

lately, my blog functions as a challenge board for me. first, a post a day. then, pictures of summer. each blog post is like a little gold star. hoooray, I did what I told myself to do! and really, I benefit from writing (and photographing, I suppose) more than you do.

so why stop the ego trip?

I wonder what I should do now. I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

you didn't think i'd really leave you hanging, did you?

time for some reflection.  thank you, readers, for taking time out of your day to catch up on what's going on in my menial life filled with bordering-on-neurotic contemplations about this strange world around us.

- goodbye, summer.  you were filled with questions-- mostly unanswerable, at no fault of your own-- and now the rest of the year seems like a slow descent into chilly hibernation and gloom.

- my best friend's niece opened a facebook account and wants to be friends.  she's 11.  while i enjoy social networking in all its oversharing glory, i am scared for the generation of children who will grow up looking at pictures of themselves on the internet and researching potential boyfriends on twitter and never really understand anonymity.  some things are meant to stay private; i don't know if an 11-year-old girl can distinguish between what's an appropriate status update and what crosses the line.  i love her; but i denied her request.

- i registered for barber to boise! 24 days! to be honest, i am motivated by 2 things: 1) PANCAKE BREAKFAST WITH COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! and 2) free shirt.

- i need my friends and family in ways i'm not even consciously aware of, but some restless urge inside me begs for a change: moving.  where to-- undecided.  how far-- negotiable.

- the gym routine is starting to bore me.  cardio.  lift weights.  sweat sweat sweat sweat.  sometimes i resent being a girl-- i would love to get my exercise by riding my bike or jogging, but i can't go alone (and since i'm pretty much a loner, i have no one to go with me).  so i'm signing up for a community education class that mixes kickboxing and "modern dance moves"-- which brings me closer and closer to being a true "glee" star-- to break up my workout routine a little bit.  i feel sort of guilty for spending more money on fitness-- like, doesn't gold's gym take enough of my limited funds?-- but, as a pharmacist i used to work with once said, i should never feel bad about splurging on activities that make me a better person.

- kurt vonnegut's "player piano" has been on my nightstand for weeks now, just 2 chapters read.  what's wrong with me?  i used to love reading.  did my education really leech all literary desires from my personality?  maybe it will come back.  or perhaps i need a new genre/author/etc to get me interested again.  recommendations welcome.

- halloween is approaching quickly: i've decided to be a cowgirl!  although today, amy decided not to throw a halloween party, so my costume idea may change based on the party venue.  my co-workers think my potential costume is missing an essential girl element: the slut factor.  to be continued.

how are you, reader?  share with me.

summer day 90

is it a thumbs up or thumbs down? isn't this the age-old question.

is it good or bad? is it right or wrong? is it smart or dumb?








is it hell beckoning me to burn in misery or is it the glowing light of heaven warm with anticipation and tenderness?

you know my opinion on true love.

summer day 86

I watched "Harry Brown" and indulged in some pasta today.





Michael Caine's British movie is definitely not for kids--but like most things in life, the bloody revenge tale made me think.

I've never been more supportive of the American Constitutional right to bear arms. I am no NRA member and I try to refrain from public political statements, but I will ask you this: if someone came to your home with the intent to set fire on your doorstep or if you frequently walked a street filled with cocaine dealers raping girls in nearby tunnels, would you appreciate the opportunity to protect yourself? and the people you love?

this is just something to think about.

summer day 84

kind of in love.

love rachel's struggles with embracing her talents and desires to be cool.

love will's dedication to setting a good example for his unborn child and leading his students to victory by showcasing their talents.

love emma's adorable quirks! she has issues and I love it.

love quinn's shift from insider to outsider with her teen pregnancy. why do children have to grow up so fast?

love kurt's beyonce dance!

love quotes like "being an adult means you have to make choices" and "dr. Phil says people can change!"

I wouldn't say that I've been through what these characters experience--but I can sympathize with wanting to be good at something, with wanting to find a partner that is a best friend, your biggest fan, and who can be silly and serious, with figuring out who I am and what I want and how I can show others what I can do.

this is another Ryan Murphy creation that I love.

summer day 82

who's in? $25 for the 5k race. all flat, paved roads, and free pancake breakfast! this is exciting.