dear x: go your own way

dear x,

you know in movies when two lovers part and there's a slow motion shot of one of them walking away in the rain and the other squints through the raindrops and the walker turns around to see if lover is watching and they catch each others' backs instead? and you're like, why.

i wish we could have been so lucky. they at least had closure through the pleading stares and quivering mouths.

instead, there was.

and then there wasn't.

at least if i had that last glance out the window as you drove away, and you caught my parted lips and fingernail biting in your rearview mirror--

or listening to the soft pads of your footsteps in the linoleum hallway, and that hard lump in my throat grew tighter with the fading decrescendo of your steps and slight drag of your left foot--

instead, saying goodbye was like i dove underwater, distracted with sensory images and the rush of cool over my skin, as i looked up at you through the ripples; and as the light cut through the current, i watched your transient shape distort into nothing but crests and eddies upon surfacing. i took my first breath and broke at the empty silence of your absence.

this love letter asks you to find me, before someone else does. sometimes i forget that you don't know this, because you don't read my letters or listen to the song in my heart that hums against my ribcage every evening for you.

perhaps, given the opportunity, i would not greet you again, sweeping my dripping black hair from my eyes as i emerged from the water, reaching for your hand to pull me up, inhaling how your skin smells in sunlight--

because to say hello would only tempt another painful goodbye to your ghost.

love,
a.

tell me why

everything turned around

dear x: back to black

dear x,

maybe it was the way you smiled under the parking lot lights. maybe it was the way you tucked me under a fleece blanket and kissed my nose. maybe it was the way you promised to be a safe spot for me to vent, to escape, to disappear.

but then you met her and all your warm comfort was replaced with disillusionment, like screaming in an empty room that doesn't echo.

you said i was pretty but she must be prettier.

you said i was smart but she must be smarter.

you said lying in bed with me was cozy but she must be the finest log cabin.

you said you were never going back to her but she must be capable of rewriting "the end" to "once upon a time."

you said you thought about me every day but she must be more enticing flesh and dreams.

you said i dont know how to let go of the past but she must be a beautiful present and future for you.

you said my skin was soft but she must make your fingertips tingle and sing.

you said nothing compares to me but she must be the immeasurably obvious choice, a crushing victor who has instilled a weighty insecurity in my mind-- can i look in the mirror and not wonder if it was my small hands, my short legs, my proclivity to doubt, my freckles that might have precluded me from tipping the scales?

you said i deserve the best but she must be settling for you then.

love,
a.

he left no time to regret

kept his dick wet

with his same old safe bet

dear x: the boy who blocked his own shot

dear x,

sometimes i wonder if you saw the sunset. maybe you watched the clouds around the sun fade from brilliant gold to murky lemonade to dark.

sometimes i wonder if your shoe caught on the edge too, where carpet meets linoleum in the airport terminal after the security checkpoint.

do you still eat taco bell at midnight? do you prefer mountain dew to dr. pepper? do you indulge in a few chocolate covered raisins, or have you deemed twix your favorite candy?

sometimes i wonder if you need me and then don't.

sometimes i wonder if you fill your hours distracting yourself from wanting to share little moments with me-- like we used to. i am terrified, x, of quietly losing small things to my memory. i will probably remember all the big milestones; but what about those collective fragments of time that just slip away, like shedding a strand of hair at the supermarket.

sometimes i think i smell you in the middle of the night. i am writing you this love letter, x, to let your shadow of love lost know this: i am often consumed by the details and my inability to share with you the simultaneously mundane and brilliant. i fear the day when i wont remember how your skin smells after a shower.

love,
a.

so get a grip

or call it quits

said you wanted a solution

you just wanted to be missed

dear x: you are my sunshine

dear x,

we sat around a bonfire pit: you held a bottle of gordon's and a menthol in one hand and i sat cross legged in a splintery wooden chair. the crackling dance of orange flames had already settled but the glowing embers still licked furiously at my cheeks and eyelashes. the night before, we tried holding hands on your couch "just to see" if either of us could feel anything other than apathy towards another person. we mutually postponed our conclusions.

i thought, maybe we should return to our discussion.

i inhaled; my exhales were staccato and hesitant.

i smelled my hair.

i inhaled again.

and then you started whistling. you licked your lips. the tone was shrill. i recognized the tune after you finished the second measure of the chorus. i watched your pursed lips as a smile formed at the edges of my mouth, so i fidgeted with the hem of my shorts.

"you are my sunshine," you started singing. "my only sunshine." you were not whistling anymore.

"don't," i teased.

"you make me happy when skies are gray."

"british or american spelling?"

"you'll never know just how much i--" you paused.

and waited.

i waited. heat rose to my cheeks, hotter than any sting from a fire.  love you, just say it, x. how much i love you, it's part of the song, it doesn't mean you actually do. do you?

"so american spelling?" i continued.

we never referred to that night again. to this day, x, i wonder why you chose that song, in that moment, for that reason, to break that particular silence. this love letter, x, finishes what you didn't say. you took my sunshine away when you failed to trust that i could possibly reciprocate your feelings-- familiar apathy or love. my skies may forever be gray,

because what is now just another night around a pit for you is a heartbreaking moment of regret for me.

love,
a.

nothing else could come between

but now you've left me to love another

you have shattered all of my dreams

sunny soundtrack

so glad today was warm (this is a relative term...) and sunny!

the song in my heart finally sounds like, "every time you smile, i smile...":



because i'm really, really tired of hearing "it rains when you're here amd it rains when you're gone":





what song is playing on your life's soundtrack right now, reader?

case for a paperless world

one of these is not like the other.




one of these fingers has a papercut under the cuticle.

one of these fingers bled for longer than most green day songs.

one of these fingers stung so much that I locked myself in the bathroom and cried at work (which I've only ever done twice-- once after my first car accident in my work's parking lot which was no big deal but I was 19 and stupid and I think the adrenaline got to me, and then once when I found out my hours were being cut at my home pharmacy because I thought I made someone mad and I realized how new and clueless I would seem to anyone else).

one of these fingers caused me to contemplate the unfairness of life and the complexity of human suffering.

one of these fingers showed me how big of a wuss I am-- there are people out there with broken clavicles or trapped under earthquake rubble or whatever.

one of these fingers should just knock it off. shut the hell up already, and get on with it.

is it possible the karma fairy screwed up?

this weekend is my "sad face" one-day weekend. but, nevertheless, I spent my afternoon volunteering for the humane society on one of their mobile adoptions-- or adoptions at another location other than the shelter.

I arrived and picked out the cutest 6 month old border collie mix puppy named neo. he has the softest ears! I gave him a big hug and kiss. about fifteen minutes into my shift, I was standing with neo and talking to another volunteer when I heard, "oh no! it's diarrhea!" which, let's face it, is never a good sign.


and it's definitely not a good sign when people are pointing to the dog at the end of my leash.

so, I collected paper towels and spray and doggie poo bags. the scent of green dog crap is just as terrible as it sounds. to calm down and to distract myself, I was thinking good thoughts (pretty ponies, tila tequila, warm blankets that smell like fresh laundry, tila tequila again...) but the disgustingly warm poo just melted to watery chunks when I tried grabbing it with the mutt mitt bags.

I walked neo outside, let him pee, and headed back inside where it was not raining. about 10 feet inside the store, the dreaded "shit hunch" started again and he squirted out some more #2's all over the floor. in a circle.

checked my watch. 18 minutes had passed. 3 hours and 42 minutes to go.

another 4 minutes pass and I'm handed another dog-- the volunteer's back began spasming and she couldn't handle the 56 lb lab mix with no leash training anymore. so as I'm being jerked in a perpetual circle (because the dog is more than half my weight and more than 60000 times beyond my comfort zone), I'm thinking I should have just stayed home and painted my nails.

I looked long and hard at my situation. 3 older ladies are cuddling their chihuahua mixes and runny neo on their laps, chattering away. the two high school boys are being dragged around the store with their pit bull and Australian shepherd. I mean, I know I work out at Golds and everything, but seriously. seriously! at some point, I feel the strain of my smile as I tried--over and over-- to calm the dog down with kind words, lots of petting, and repeated visits outside.

when my second blister popped and started oozing, I felt the sharp sting of hot tears in my eyes. I can only fantasize about tila's ginormously perfect rack for so long before the physical pain and my natural emoness take over.










as the unnamed tank/dog attempted to dislocate my shoulder for the 70th time, I vowed that my good deeds have to end. I try to do something nice and just get screwed. rather mindlessly, I let the tornado-on-a-leash lead us outside. right before we made it to the doors, a young couple look at the dog, point, and exclaim, "IT'S HER! SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!"

they proceed to shower her with undue compliments and affection. they mumble something about how they saw her online profile, heard about the mobile adoption on Facebook, and came down to see her. this is the one and only time I have ever seriously wanted to make out with al gore, for his marvelous invention of the interweb was a beacon of heaven and lead to my salvation.

they announced they want to adopt her. my heart fluttered with joy and relief! they began the paperwork, left briefly to get some money, and were very excited to get Lily (they named her after a while) home to Coors, their other dog.

I inspected my leash wounds.













and concluded that this would be the last mobile adoption I work at. if there was some way to specify weight/breed preferences or to morph into experienced dog-handler over night, I would love to continue helping these animals find their future homes.

but seriously, reader, all I could think about was going home, washing the stink of poop and drool off of me, and gorging on some top ramen.





these converses are made for admin volunteering.

the end.

the goods: this is a clever post, where I am really sad inside but pretend it's a good thing

tonight, I celebrated my friend christy's birthday. her always thoughtful and romantic husband planned a surprise dessert with her friends and family at a restaurant downtown. happy birthday, Christy!

afterwards, I decided to meet up with the bestie and some of her work friends. I tasted the strongest margarita I've ever had outside of las Vegas





and then people-watched at the balcony.

tonight, I was surrounded by people-- mostly strangers, but fellow humankind nonetheless. there was the fat-skinny girl in a sequin skirt, the howling boy in a wolf hat, the older man in a navy blue polo hogging the pool table: all seeking connections and attention. there I was too-- in my skinny jeans and newly dyed hair (back to black. playtime is over)-- feeling so alone and isolated and sad.

I would forget them all, never see any of them again, if I could only be with you.

tonight, instead of dancing or flirting or taking my top off, I wrote poetry on old gum wrappers. I thought of you, missed you, and wished you felt the same way.

so, upon crawling into bed, trolling tumblr, I found this:






stupid and silly as that is, it is exactly what my heart feels right now.

so I listen to some tunes:









and hope I see you in my dreams tonight. it seems to be the only way I can be happy.

the goods: French press coffee

the first time I drank coffee from a French press was at a small restaurant in Beverly Hills, outdoors and relaxing. to this day, I have never tasted coffee so good.

I slept terribly last night-- I woke up several times, cried a little, and dreamed disturbing things. so today, I made an effort to appreciate the little things.

first on my list, delicious coffee.

for christmas, a pharmacist I miss dearly gave me a starbucks giftcard. I waited to use it towards an item instead of squandering it away on $4 drinks. a few days ago, I purchased a French press kit with my giftcard-- complete with a scoop, measuing cup, bamboo stir stick, timer, and cleaning spatula. I used my new kit for the first time this morning.

life goes on, readers.

the goods: self pep talk

I am failing at this blog challenge, readers. I am sorry.

this morning I woke up warm and rested, then I remembered where I was, who I wasn't with, what is going on, and my heart broke all over again.

but it's time to listen to some Tay-Tay and move on.

the goods: my life in lyrics

my pandora radio station for rihanna played this song a little while ago. loved the Grammy performance of "part 2" and "I need a doctor." i have been listening to this song more than usual lately.

new: volunteering

today was my first day as an Idaho humane society volunteer. I even wore my new shirt:





I worked in the volunteer office putting together mailers (ok, more labor intensive than it sounds! labeling 300+ envelopes, folding letters, inserting coupon, and then mailing everything!), and I met several new people-- they were all very nice and appreciative!

then I stopped by the cattery and almost cried.





so then I had to go INSIDE the cattery.





8 week old kittens! and they have tons of big cats too:





at least I had the self-control to avoid the puppy rooms.

I decided to dedicate my time to an organization for animals so that I wouldn't be serving stupid people. but today I saw the effects stupid people have on our furry friends and I'm equally as saddened/frustrated/angry as I would have been at a soup kitchen. I hope my efforts at the volunteer office will encourage other volunteers to share a few hours of their time benefiting their charity of choice.

i know we have busy schedules, but as the back of my IHS volunteer shirt states, "volunteers do not necessarily have the time; they have the heart." well said, elizabeth Andrew, well said.

new: E

here's the first Emily Dickinson poem I read tonight-- my book opened to this page, which I always find eerie yet cool:


Heart, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forgive the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! Lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!


mind eraser, take me home.

summer day 91

mope city today. perhaps being the last one in my different circles of friends to be engaged/married has affected me in strange ways. perhaps my break from the gym tanked my energy levels. perhaps feeling alone--and not wanting to be alone anymore--means looking alone and that means being alone.

also, the end of this newest blogging venture saddens me a little. here's to the last 3 months.

summer day 83

went to art in the park today with Amy! haven't been in years. decided to park my car off garden street by my friend's house and ride my bike on the greenbelt the rest of the way. made it there in 10 minutes, pedaling my hardest so I wouldn't be late.

learned a bit about "art" today: 1) starving artists must not be that hungry afterall, judging from the shocking pricetags! 2) I cannot enjoy art when being jabbed in the side by a pushy mom or startled by the gorilla-like wails of a child or dodging disgusting dogs-that-border-on-squirrels. and 3) it's true that art is a very diverse subject...from delicate japanses vases to leather knots to giant squash-shaped blown glass pieces...everyone has their own talents and appreciates their own art.

after a more leisurely ride back to my car--and after stopping to take a few pictures of the river from the greenbelt, I arrived at my car to find the front right tire completely flat. like rim on the pavement. suck-ville. luckily my friend's husband and my dad were there to help me; I felt terrible for inconveniencing everyone. luckily, my tire decided to screw me while I was not driving on the interstate or on my way to work or something equally as devastating. so I'm looking for tires now. frick.

on the flipside, I had a good morning with my friend, ate some nachos and an icee, and bought a super cute reversable headband for $5.






but then I went home and cried into my pillow for a while.

summer day 80

this is me. playing with hipstamatic. working at a job that often tires me in more ways than one. wishing this feeling of "is there more to life than x?" would either be answered or go away because taunting hypothetical questions are just dumb. rocking the flower headband. realizing my car is a mess. looking forward to fall.

10 more days, friends. and then what? dream a new adventure for me.

summer day 24

this is not okay!!!!!!

summer day 22

this is too good to be true. oh wait, it is. IM ON A DIET. frack.

may wallow.

today is the first day that i sat in front of the computer screen wondering what to write about. i even googled "writing prompts"-- the results were lame-- to get me started. today is day 27, so i suppose i should be proud that running out of ideas took this long. i should also be proud that 26 posts were ready to be discussed and this blog allowed me to share those ideas with you. i sincerely hope you've enjoyed reading my posts so far-- i will continue to post, just not as frequently. if you don't have a blog, i really encourage you to do so. arijaan inspired me and said i should write even if it seems trivial at the time. writing for an audience (even if it's only me) forces you to consider your purpose and how to best relay your ideas to your ideal reader.

so enough with the confessions.

i figured out what i want to write about now.

i want to do something great. instead of putting my faith in other people to surprise me and entertain me and make me happy, i should concentrate on moving past this general acceptance of mediocrity and delve into something so that i can be proud of myself.

will it be a painting for the large wall in my main room? i tire of relying on posters.com or tj maxx to sell something i will fall in love with.

will it be a series of short shorts? i grow bored of suffering through entire novels when the same message can be produced in 500 words or less.

will it be my first complete collection of stationary? i know i can design envelopes and letterhead and seals just as original and cute as hallmark's proferrings.

will it be composing my first song? i've been writing song lyrics since i was 12 and playing instruments long before that.

what will it be, readers? what is your greatest accomplishment?

may find prince that'll-do

Modeled after Jana's Facebook status:

Prince: hey.

Me: hey.

Prince: I am educated, witty, and enjoying doing x, y, and z. I would love to hang out with you but I also want my own space and me-time in our relationship.

Me: awesome. I too am educated, very sarcastic, and silly. Will you be goofy with me?

Prince: absolutely. And I really want to travel and live life so I hope you're not baby-hungry.

Me: no way! I want to see new places with someone I love and create memories. A little mischeif-making is always fun...

Prince: I love that you have a full-time job with benefits and 401k, because I do too!

Me: I love that you have your own place just like me.

Prince: I hope you don't mind that I'm a little mysterious...not the psycho kind. I would never call you a stupid bitch or tell to your friends and family to go fuck themselves and I would never leave you...no matter how mad I get. I would never flake on you just because. My life is an open book; I've made mistakes that I've learned from, and I would never hide anything from you that you need to know.

Me: I can be kind of morbid.

Prince: me too! I call it being "realistic" and recognizing that life totally blows sometimes.

Me: wow.

Prince: oh and I think you are pretty.

Me: totes.

Prince: let's go on a picnic and talk and play--and at the end of the day, I will hold you until you fall asleep. I will be your best friend and you will never again be alone.

....WHY IS THIS SO FRICKIN HARD?!!!!