May reflect

Remembrance Day started decades ago to commemorate military men and women who died serving their country. Cemeteries, parades, and properly posted flags could be observed in towns all around the US today. I respect the people that voluntarily enlist knowing the risks and benefits, the rules and the freedoms, the comraderie and the honor. The wars they fight in and may die for require us to demand explanations and justifications for armed conflicts; as Pres. Lincoln so eloquently stated, we do not want others to die in vain, so I suppose formally remembering and reflecting on the positive changes brought about by national and world wars--and those that helped fight for those changes--is really the least we civilians enjoying a day off of work can do. In recent years, Memorial Day has come to represent a general day of mourning for all that have passed--veterans or not. Today has been set aside to remember the dead and reflect on the effect on the living.

I do not know anyone in the armed services who has died on duty, but I have experienced the loss of loved ones. I have also experienced the loss of innocence, dreams, and faith. But what is the point of living in the past--of dwelling on what we have lost? Yes, to lose something or someone you love is tragic, and the void may be irreplaceable. However, what have you gained from those losses? Knowledge? Courage? Perspective?

While today may remind us of goodbyes, I think today also prompts us to move forward and see the present and future not as a blank slate of annihilism but as empty boxes waiting to be filled with experience. Good and bad experience. Unknown experience. Our experience.

This past month has forced me to remember and reflect, experience and ponder, live and imagine. The last 31 days have prompted me to celebrate each day, mourn the casualties, respect the experience. I remember.

Will you?

may soak it up.

pink candle, white Zinfandel, hot bath, and chenille robe = Sunday night. I might even fit in some reading. Hope you're relaxing and enjoying this evening too.

may appreciate my love for french fries even more.

starting july 1,2011, hawaii will become the first state to outlaw the consumption of shark fin, according to a yahoo news article entitled, "no more eating shark fin in hawaii after new law" that was posted on yahoo's website approximately 2 hours ago.

the article states that shark fin harvesting has brought the species to near extinction. nearly 89 millions sharks are killed in international waters each year-- AP writer audrey mcavoy claims some fins are lopped off and the carcasses are just dumped in the ocean to rot. the article stresses that both chinese food culture and hawaiian culture include shark fin as a status symbol for those who can afford it ($17 for a cup of shark fin soup) and who ascribe to the worship of ancestral gods and legends. the article highlights both the popularity of shark fin but simultaneously its draw to the elite--"in hong kong, high end [chinese] restaurants can charge $1,000 for premium shark fin" (par. 9)--and chinese food culture loyals. even though the article reports that shark is rather flavorless, the sauces and preparation make the dish enjoyable. shark fin may prevent cancer and may provide other good nutritional benefits, which is one reason why the illegalization of shark fin upsets some people.

i was attracted to the plight of shark fin eaters because i too am an enjoyer of food. i love french fries, gummy worms, and many other empty calorie choices. the thought of a worldwide potato shortage sends me into immediate panic. what would i do without my golden sticks of comfort? like shark fin, french fries provide some nutritional benefit since they are made from vegetables; they are full of fiber and contain no cholesterol. but i understand that i may not be the only enjoyer of this product and could possibly contribute to the cause of its overproduction. as if the ban itself wouldn't be terrible enough, the government would meddle and intervene and establish a law to restrict the sale and consumption of this food item and distract important law makers from more pressing issues at hand-- like instigating world wars and approve low-life lazy hypocrites for medicaid.

enjoy your shark fin, rich people. as if there is no other food item on your ritzy menu that could reasonably satisfy your palate. and swim freely, little sharks, in the depths of the oceans doing whatever it is that you do that deserves protection under the united states government. don't feel guilty for depriving the patrons of kirin restaurant of their "'indulgent activity'"-- i'm sure they will find some other animal to nom on.

meanwhile, i cling tightly to my deep-fried potato wedges; whatever would i do without them.

May crash.

In my youth, controlling my hunger was the ultimate exertion of power--my mind could control my body. If I was mad or stressed, I would stop eating and let the churning stomach acid sear my inner glutton's desires for nourishment.

Things change.

I worked a 12 hour day, battled Eagle Rd at noon on the Friday before Memorial Day, stifled my bursting desires to tell some people they were stucking fupid, realized I did not renew my lease and will be paying $125 more for June's rent, and suppressed all desires to tell x I miss him and can't we hang out like we used to. I'm so totally making Chef Boyardee ravioli for dinner with garlic French bread and white Zinfandel.

Bring on the carbs.

may wallow.

today is the first day that i sat in front of the computer screen wondering what to write about. i even googled "writing prompts"-- the results were lame-- to get me started. today is day 27, so i suppose i should be proud that running out of ideas took this long. i should also be proud that 26 posts were ready to be discussed and this blog allowed me to share those ideas with you. i sincerely hope you've enjoyed reading my posts so far-- i will continue to post, just not as frequently. if you don't have a blog, i really encourage you to do so. arijaan inspired me and said i should write even if it seems trivial at the time. writing for an audience (even if it's only me) forces you to consider your purpose and how to best relay your ideas to your ideal reader.

so enough with the confessions.

i figured out what i want to write about now.

i want to do something great. instead of putting my faith in other people to surprise me and entertain me and make me happy, i should concentrate on moving past this general acceptance of mediocrity and delve into something so that i can be proud of myself.

will it be a painting for the large wall in my main room? i tire of relying on posters.com or tj maxx to sell something i will fall in love with.

will it be a series of short shorts? i grow bored of suffering through entire novels when the same message can be produced in 500 words or less.

will it be my first complete collection of stationary? i know i can design envelopes and letterhead and seals just as original and cute as hallmark's proferrings.

will it be composing my first song? i've been writing song lyrics since i was 12 and playing instruments long before that.

what will it be, readers? what is your greatest accomplishment?

may partake in National Sorry Day.

thirteen ways of saying i'm sorry

after stevens

I

1985, korea

in august.

you still named me sunshine.

i'm sorry if i ruined your life

but you saved mine.

II

banana slugs, misty

gray air, and shores of driftwood:

i'm sorry i forget more

and more of you each day.

III

i'm sorry; i would have loved

to meet you.

IV

i tell people i do not

like the taste of gin.

the truth is

i am reminded of you, summer

nights, and the pine scent of your tongue.

i'm sorry, i should not

lie.

V

frag

mented syl

lables

crushed f

or

m

i'm so

rry y

our brain an

d mine

can't com

municate.

VI

i like to think

after four years together

that we didn't talk about marriage,

babies, money, and "what if" not

because we didn't want a shared future

but because the present was more than enough.

i'm sorry i didn't thank you

for each and every day

we spent together, happy.

VII

i'm sorry:

"o my people, what have i done unto thee"

sounds like an oops.

VIII

i should never have let you

marry him-- i'm sorry.

IX

maybe because your hair is soft

maybe because you smell like a morning shower at 11 pm

maybe because my hands fit inside yours

maybe because you giggle when i kiss you

maybe it's all the little things

that make me sorry

i wanted you more

than you wanted me.

X

crunchy green peppers

extra packet of spicy sauce

clumps of hamburger--

i'm sorry

your home-cooked chili

just doesn't compare

to wendy's.

XI

sometimes i wake up in the middle

of the night and wonder

if you just got up to use the bathroom.

in the dark,

i remember you

are not there,

you chose not to be there,

and you will never be there.

i force myself back

to sleep before the deep ache

in my chest causes any more tears

to

fall.

i'm sorry

you won't be here to hold me.

XII

i'm sorry your failures

make me feel accomplished.

XIII

daunting mobile of words

and phrases dangle

i no

longer know

if they are mine

or yours.

i'm sorry

if my imitation

is the only way

i can connect

with greatness.

may double-speak.

we're evolving into a society where once is not enough. one-car garage? so yesterday. monogamy? forget about it. saying things one time? psh. please.

take, for instance, the girl at great clips. i shall refer to her as jenny, because she reminds me of jenny from "gossip girl." part of the great clips experience is checking in with your phone number-- and it was jenny's job to type in phone numbers and verify the account. most of jenny's check-ins went like this:

mom: my phone number is xxx-xxxx.
jenny: xxx.... what?
mom: xxx-xxxx.
jenny: xxx-xx.... what? sorry.
mom: XXX-XXXX.

she only asked for my phone number twice in its entirety. but her need for repetition really got me thinking: was 7 digits really too much for her to handle (she was very tiny-- you clicked in the picture of jenny, right?), and has our society enabled this sort of aggravating redundancy? i mean, one season of "rock of love" just wasn't enough-- vh1 had to air the twice-told tale of rock star wants hawt girl but she just wants fame which is really just what he wants like totally!!!! three times.

even ke$ha agrees. in her song, "tik tok," she narrates the typical "going out" with the girls experience in all its catchy glory. (if you're so inclined, you can watch the video here.) for one part of the song, ke$he repeats the last word of each line-- perhaps for emphasis (the poet in me hopes so) but mostly for memorability:

i'm talking pedicure on our toes toes
trying on all our clothes clothes
boys blowing up our phones phones

her lyrics reveal a certain type of girl-- one who is materialistc, self-conscious, and popular. the whole song seems to celebrate the self-centeredness of partying all night until the authorities finally step in and force the night to end:

now now we go until they kick us out out
or the police shut us down down
police shut us down down
po po shut us down

both examples point to key parts of the song that reveal character and personality. considering that ke$ha has been described as taylor swift + garbage, i think a textual analysis of her lyrics is rather kind.

it gets worse though. repetitive music lyrics really begins to border on troubling with justin bieber and sean kingston's "eenie meenie" (which i've linked to previously... it's that disturbing to me...). the bridge and chorus are as follows:

you cant make up your mind mind mind mind mind
please dont waste my time time time time time
i'm not trying to rewind wind wind wind wind
i wish our hearts could come together as one

shawty is an eenie meenie mo lover
shawty is an eenie meenie mo lover
shawty is an eenie meenie mo lover
shawty is an eenie meenie mo lover

this section is repeated 3.5 times throughout the whole song. i don't know if these "artists" are just incapable of writing creative and different lyrics (much like jenny's inability to remember 7 numbers), or if our expectations for acceptable music now include incessant repetition for its catchy effect.

i know that repetition can be used in many interesting literary ways. for example, martin luther king jr's repetition of the key phrase "i have a dream" in his 1963 political speech emphasizes the disparity between reality and fantasy and the power of vision to motivate change. i realize that not all repetition is bad or scornful--

but but but
i have my doubts that most repetition is skillfully and purposefully used in productive ways. actually, i'm positive that most redundancy just takes up space, fills the void for paying attention, and allows us to get away with being lazy.

unless you can prove me wrong wrong?

may find prince that'll-do

Modeled after Jana's Facebook status:

Prince: hey.

Me: hey.

Prince: I am educated, witty, and enjoying doing x, y, and z. I would love to hang out with you but I also want my own space and me-time in our relationship.

Me: awesome. I too am educated, very sarcastic, and silly. Will you be goofy with me?

Prince: absolutely. And I really want to travel and live life so I hope you're not baby-hungry.

Me: no way! I want to see new places with someone I love and create memories. A little mischeif-making is always fun...

Prince: I love that you have a full-time job with benefits and 401k, because I do too!

Me: I love that you have your own place just like me.

Prince: I hope you don't mind that I'm a little mysterious...not the psycho kind. I would never call you a stupid bitch or tell to your friends and family to go fuck themselves and I would never leave you...no matter how mad I get. I would never flake on you just because. My life is an open book; I've made mistakes that I've learned from, and I would never hide anything from you that you need to know.

Me: I can be kind of morbid.

Prince: me too! I call it being "realistic" and recognizing that life totally blows sometimes.

Me: wow.

Prince: oh and I think you are pretty.

Me: totes.

Prince: let's go on a picnic and talk and play--and at the end of the day, I will hold you until you fall asleep. I will be your best friend and you will never again be alone.

....WHY IS THIS SO FRICKIN HARD?!!!!

may recommend.

just something for you to think about since i've been thinking about it too:

"Art"
by Herman Melville

In placid hours well-pleased we dream
Of many a brave unbodied scheme.
But form to lend, pulsed life create,
What unlike things must meet and mate:
A flame to melt--a wind to freeze;
Sad patience--joyous energies;
Humility-yet pride and scorn;
Instinct and study; love and hate;
Audacity--reverence. These must mate,
And fuse with Jacob's mystic heart
To wrestle with the angel--Art.

-1891

may never go hungry.

this morning, i met amy for coffee at starbucks and chatted (i mean this in the "old school" sense of the word where we actually met face-to-face and heard each other speak actual sentences) for an hour and half--typical, really-- and then we checked out the harvest market on the corner of franklin and cole. amy and i had both seen the new fresh produce stand recently, and it is operated by calvary chapel boise where amy attends multiple weekly services. she heard that the market's prices were comparable to local grocery stores, so we figured it was worth a saturday morning perusal.

it's a rainy and cold day in boise, but fortunately the produce stand is protected with a heavy-duty canvas cover. inside, the market offers organic produce, fresh herbs, the usual fruits and vegetables like peppers and honey tangerines, and even dried beans. i only spent a few dollars today on green onions, strawberries, and one jonagold apple-- but amy was much more adventurous and purchased a cantaloupe and some red potatoes and pears too. i'm looking forward to sifting through recipes and shopping at the market. located just across the road (albeit: major road...) from my apartment complex, the market should be a convenient and yummy place to shop this summer-- much like my beloved m & w market on warm springs when i lived in n-e boise that supplied granny smith apples and swiss cheese for "crash diet aug 2008" in preparation for LA and vegas.

in addition to eating healthy, i feel good about supporting calvary chapel boise. i still feel guilty for buying a potato masher from their new again thrift store for 10 cents. 10 cents! they should have at least charged me a quarter...

check it out if you get a chance. and let me know-- i'll meet you there. they have mountain dew in the fridge...