14 October 2011

healthy dose

I have been tempted to fill my blog with "so this summer, I did this! and I went here! and I saw that!" but this blog is not a journal; sharing more than just a laundry list of mundane daily details has always been my goal.

with that said, just let me get this out of my system and then I can move on. this summer, things changed and they stayed the same-- almost simultaneously.

for instance,

I updated some wall art at my place:





















became




















continued to lose the baggage:














gave my purse a "facelift":








trying to find my style, and enjoying looking back at past attempts:

about 5 years ago




almost 3 years ago:




last month:





this summer, as much as I tried to withdraw and sort some things out, I find myself still grappling with similar problems: unable to reciprocate "relationship"-level feelings, perpetual annoyance with my fellow human race and unnecessary interactions, and the unsettling impression inside that I'm missing something.

maybe it's you.





as always, dear reader, I appreciate you working through this with me.





09 October 2011

grocery shopping

i hate grocery shopping.  you know, the planning, the driving around, the excuses, the time commitment, the letdown, and the eventual leftover baggage.  it's really a big ordeal for me.

first, there's the list-making.  you have to determine what you need and what you want.  or you can just go in cold: you'll know what you want when you get there.  some of us only think ahead for the week-- short-term fixes--while some can plan ahead for years.  then there's the temptations once you're shopping, what looks (and sometimes smells) appealing but you know it's not good for you.  food like that usually goes straight to your hips.  or just leaves you with a tummy ache and heartburn.

then, you have decide where to go.  somewhere large that's well-stocked but the quality is questionable?  perhaps a smaller, local market where you have to wear the right clothes and are judged by what you leave with?  or maybe just a quick drop-by wherever is convenient?  sometimes you just never know.  or maybe you're the type that shops with a friend to make the trip more exciting.  i prefer the solo excurisions, personally.

if you're like me, the excuses soon start piling up though.  often, i decide to make the effort tomorrow.  afterall, i can't starve the rest of my life.  but, the day wears me down, i decide i'm too tired, i'm not in the right mindset to deal with people and options, so i decide to go another time.  that's when you start making bad choices: you start grab-buying, anything sounds good enough, and sooner than later you start resenting grocery shopping even more.

eventually, you'll make it to the grocery store with list in hand (or head) and you begin.  maybe you start at the produce section-- full of fresh choices and implied expiration dates.  healthy carrots? no. refreshing cucumbers? no. tall celery? sure.  so there you are, eyeing the celery.  the newest stock is presented in the front; the older, been-around-a-while celery is moved to the back to either expire or be selected later by more forgiving eyes.  maybe you look for a slim package, light-weight but all you really need.  or maybe you prefer stockier stems.  but, be careful which one you choose.  i mean, you can walk around with celery for a while, give it a good squeeze before deciding it's not really right for you.  you might release it where it doesn't quite fit in (perhaps the scattered bulk foods, or the domestic cake-decorating aisle) or your good heart will let it down gently and place it back in its home--unspoiled and hopeful for another chance to be a shopper's desire.  and despite the cruelty, you can leave it at the checkout stand, just seconds away from true commitment before your credit card seals the deal.  however, it's just cruel to take it home and then bring it back-- it may never resell, since other shoppers will prefer new products in case yours has been "damaged."

there are times i return home from grocery shopping with seemingly nothing for all my efforts.  other times, i end up with way more than i expected.  sometimes everything was just perfect and you don't have to go grocery shopping for a while; sometimes you  have to make room; sometimes you forgot something really important.  i am often frustrated.  i envy other shoppers for their efficiency and ability to find exactly what they're looking for.  i am often discouraged, leave the grocery store grumpy and unsatisfied to head home and bask in what little i have from past experiences (leftover tidbits or remnants from a fancy appetizer).  i wonder what other people think of grocery shopping, how often and when they find time and energy.  perhaps this is why i rarely go, prefering instead the short and sporadic attempts at nutrition and sustenance.

i hate grocery shopping.

aren't there better things to do instead?


29 September 2011

the truth is i never really left you.

oh, harro.

the chill mornings and waning sunlight tell me summer's end is near. fall is my favorite time of year, stirring some remnants of sentimentality together with hardened expectations for the impending colder (see: isolated) months ahead. dear reader, i have (re)learned many things these last few months; i hope you have also delved into thought, experience, people-- life.

so here's how i spent my summer...

deciding what to do with my bangs and expanding my accessories collection.









rediscovering my past in the recesses of my old bedroom at my parents' house.



my first sunglasses purchased at express!









confirming my problems are not diagnosable by a lab.





my first commercial aired. (3 more in the works.)




immersing myself in new worlds and drama.
like gossip girl



and nat geo documentaries



and glee



and-- big applause, please-- modern family




descending further into domestic life-- and conceding it's really not that terrible.















rediscovering past favorites that fit the present perfectly.







defending my patio from terrorists.
















logging miles on a different set of tires.









getting away for a while.

















































for more pictures, see amy's blog too.






never reaching an answer but i'm really ok with that.







and life continues.

28 May 2011

future

dear reader,

i created this blog because i wanted to share with you my thoughts and adventures.  recently, i have very seriously felt-- for the first time-- a strong desire to not post anymore.  several events, big and small, contributed to this attitude, and i do believe everything happens for a reason (what is a world without explanation and rationality?).

even as i write these words now, something inside me has changed.  believe me, the events and sights and dreams and words and people and curiosity continue to transform my perceptions of who i am and the meaning of my existence.  but the next step to then transcribe those experiences and reflections here no longer exists.



perhaps i have outgrown the small corner of the web i have reserved for my thoughts.  perhaps, reader, i need you to be present in some other way.  perhaps, my need for understanding transcends public oversharing and unreciprocated empathy.

you are not alone.  i deleted my twitter page and deactivated my facebook account.  since my iphone's reset, my phone contacts list numbers less than a dozen.  generally, the past summers urged me to socialize and connect; this year, i feel quite strongly that i wish to withdraw.

i hope this is not permanent.

excelsior,

a.

14 May 2011

growth spurt

my iphone pictures folders are full of crafted attempts at a tumblr reblog.

for example:

hipstamatic prints.






random pictures of the sky.






edited grainy cleavage shot.






manipulation of angles and definitions.






photo + sad text.





scenes from a taylor swift song.






and other random shit.














but that's all about to change.

behold, the lumix.





I named her Zoe and hope we have many happy adventures together.