anything but unlucky: 2013

dear reader,

happy new year to you. sincerely, thank you for catching up on my scattered ramblings. i wanted to post some reflections about this past year, which i have deemed 2013: the year the universe decided to test me and i passed (i think). if you know anything about me at all, you know that i constantly struggle with my unproductive flaws and ways to improve myself as a woman, a thinker, a friend, a breather of oxygen.

countdown, here we go.

13. i rarely bake or cook. call me lazy, or call me efficient: i prefer my foods simple (steamed vegetable of choice and boiled chicken with red curry sauce = weekly dinner option) and quickly thrown together. recipes that involve multiple verbs ("peel," "dice," "grate," "stir," "grease," "blend," and "combine" before i hit the second line) and ingredient lists longer than the contents of diet coke usually get filed and never used. but in 2013, my best friend introduced me to bountiful baskets (for $15, i was presented with a vegetable and a fruit basket containing fresh, seasonal produce) which has led to some fantastic new recipes. since i am not picky about veggies or fruit, each week's bounty was consumed in its entirety, since i hate waste and i was up for a new cooking challenge. i made turkey meatballs, roasted rainbow carrots with honey balsamic vinegar glaze, creamed corn and egg casserole with fresh anaheim peppers and ham, kale and sweet potato salad, mashed cauliflower with toasted breadcrumbs and parmesan, and many flavorful additions to my morning protein shake (fresh mango, pear, pomegranate, bananas, and blueberries).

12. exploring the northwest this past year has made me appreciate how lucky i am to choose whether i want to wake up to the hum of car tires on blacktop and never lose sight of building lights on rooftops or if my afternoon walk involves a lakeside mountain goat and finding sleeping bats nestled in rafters. in 2013, i roadtripped to montana, washington, and utah.

11. my annual closet purge revealed that i own so many beautiful clothing items and accessories-- each carrying a story about where i found it, how i wore it, and how much i really love getting ready in the morning to greet the world with an a-line jersey knit skirt or a lace peplum top or a studded gold bangle on my wrist.

10. very few people understand me and i am still in the process of accepting that i am mostly to blame for keeping secrets but finding a comfortable way to change how i interact with people (mainly of the opposite gender). so even though i consider myself truly close to a just handful of guys, 2013 severed my ties with two important people; shattering my idealization of a role model and friend in one case forced me to take a step back and question how, once again, i could so stupidly fail the test of finding a trustworthy, decent partner. i continue to struggle with letting go, removing the harsh personal blame and unnecessary guilt, and coming to terms with the idea that i am what x wants but not who he chooses. but i do not deserve to be pitted against petty, dependent bitches; so i move on.

9. my two best friends both had babies in september. ty and nancy are so very fortunate to be born into loving, supportive families with friends that loved them before they even met.

8. 2013 was the year of my lips taking center stage. lipstick, lip gloss, lip balm, lip crayon: the collection amasses.

7. for the first time ever, my alcoholic drink of choice is a glass of wine. while i prefer the sweet, preferably lightly carbonated wines, i really enjoy a cab with dinner. i tasted my first syrah, malbec, and viognier in 2013 and am excited to participate in the accessible sophistication of being deemed a wino.

6. i indulged in young adult fiction in 2013. if you know anything about me, you know that i pride myself in being a critic, a naysayer, and stubbornly refusing to "like" popular writing and movies. something changed this year, reader, and i found myself enjoying the hunger games series and pretty much anything written or inspired by john green. this is really a.big.deal.

5. i've always been a fan of makeup. what's not to love about shimmering eyeshadow or a new tube of mascara that never clumps? but in 2013, i realized i was definitely on the downward slope to 30 years old, and i decided to focus on a skincare regimen. during a mary kay make up demo, the rep stated, "it's easier to prevent than it is to reverse," and i suddenly imagined my face covered in little cornflakes needing to be microdermabrasion'ed the hell off of my skin. i suppose 28 years old isn't a terrible age to hopefully preserve a little of my youth even though my freckles and oddly placed facial moles continue to cause me great consternation.

4. my kia died by exploding the heater core and flooding the floor while i was at work. a tree fell on my new car.  a giant nail lodged itself into my car tire. i am cursed with automobile issues, but 2013 taught me to be thankful and appreciate people with car-fixing skills. i have my talents and hobbies, but none of them are mechanically-based; i am so thankful that other people are good at what i am not and their passion helps people like me who ask google "why is my car flooded?" or "siri, directions to les schwab."

3. selfies were out of control this year, reader. i will never be able to forget what i looked like in 2013 from a variety of angles in different reflective surfaces.

2. my reputation for shirking any love interests peaked in 2013. my friends send me text messages with anti-love sentiments that remind them of me. but, even though i rarely talk about my intimate personal life, this past year was filled with interesting people, stories, and memories (some excellent and some irritating) that should be preserved in serifs or pixels-- someday.

1. as i look ahead to 2014, i am overwhelmed with thankfulness. i still feel young-- even if i am not anymore. physically, i am as strong as ever (who would have EVER though i would be the most athletic in my group of frieds-- of course, "athletic" is loosely applied). i wallow less in apathy and don't cry (regularly) in the shower anymore. my friends are varied and few but still just as amazing as ever. in 2014, i hope to exude a positive attitude of openness, willingness, and acceptance to continue to explore this simultaneously cruddy and intriguing world around me. invite me to share your joys too, reader.

your move, 2014. i'm ready.

dear x: come on get higher

dear x,

when people are in love, they celebrate their firsts: first date, first kiss, first house, first baby. when people like me lose people like you, they mourn their lasts:

the last time i heard you laugh, your cell phone rang and interrupted your piano playing (a rather melodramatic piece from the "lord of the rings" soundtrack). i heard you ask hello, followed by a brief silence, and then you erupted into a loud, resonating laughter. i am so glad, x, that that last hearty laugh was filled with your sincere happiness.

the last drink we shared together, you poured me a healthy glass of grape vodka over ice while you sipped on some gin. we sat on the old blue comforter from your bed and watched "little miss sunshine." the fan overhead rustled the living room curtains, and my cheeks flushed from the room heat and alcohol.

the last words you said to me directly were, "i am going home in a few days. but when i get back, don't be here." you banished me from our hallway, never again to watch your shadows dart under the door as you walked by in the morning. you didn't care where i slept at night, as long as our toothbrushes weren't stored together and i took my coffee table with me.

the last time we were in the same room, i attended a poetry reading at a wine shop after i graduated. you introduced the readers, speaking slowly and nervously into a microphone. your words sounded rehearsed as i feigned interest in a nebulous object slightly above your head. i resisted the urge to wonder when you had purchased the blue button down dress shirt that you wore that evening.

the last email you sent me was a department meeting announcement. i was just another cc, another itemized address on your list, another person you reached out to only to receive fewer replies than questions. reading your name at the bottom of a carefully worded form letter made me realize how foreign you were about to become-- we would exist separately, each like a chapter in different books on unrelated subjects resting on library shelves three thousand miles apart.

the last time that i will tell you that i loved you is here in this love letter, x. i loved you, i am certain. and i miss you-- so much that it hurts-- but you moved on and it's time for me to do the same. i wish you a lifetime of  encapsulated poetry, that each new first is an enchanting and inspiring moment for you.

because loving you was my last.

love,
a.

and i ache to remember

all the violent

sweet

perfect

words that you said

the goods: change of scenery

new Kleenex box. i have been dreaming of a beach vacation... involving coconut scented sunscreen.

the goods: lusty lavender, sort of

on Friday night, I sat in my car in walmart's parking lot anticipating my next purchase: splat's hair dye kit in lusty lavender. I have been craving a change-- but wondered if bleaching my own hair would really accomplish anything. here's how it went.

the obligatory "before" shot:





for all you naysayers, there was a hint of black cherry dye leftover from before! look at these roots:





anyway, I suited up in my homemade shirt-protector:






combined the bleach and mixer stuff:





squirted blue stuff randomly on my head and covered up. I peeked every few minutes to see what was going on:






remembered-- again-- why I should not be allowed to do this stuff alone:






30 minutes, a rinse, and blowdry later revealed I was a frickin calico cat:




then the dye....





and voilà:






another shot from the real world:




not exactly lavender like I hoped-- but it's still fun. what do you think my next "crisis averted" adventure will be?

the goods: dye-ing for it!

blue? purple? maybe a project for tomorrow night....

the goods: visible progress

so I guess I'm adding my pleated BCBG a-line skirt (with pockets! gah!) to my list of pending donations. time to go shopping!!!

the goods: spring flowers

spring time must be coming. and it makes the grocery store smell amazing. and it makes me wish I was responsible enough to care for something so pretty.

laughable

last night after work, I grabbed a bottle of "black cherry" hair dye.

I'm getting tired of dealing with this mane.








so I put on my game shirt...








mixed up all the stuff, snapped on the rubber gloves, and started parting and squirting.








waiting 25 minutes was the hard part after watching "ghost rider" failed to hold my attention (ok, add that one to the top 5 worst comic-book-turned-movie list)...









after rinsing my hair, it looked like "Dexter" was filmed in my bathtub.









had some fun with my conditioning creme top knot...









learned why apartmens ask for a security deposit and decided to kiss mine goodbye...









saw some signs of color...









but this morning revealed no big change afterall.









s'alright. there are worse ways to spend a Friday night.

the proof is in the pixels

this post will seem very narcissistic-- but what about the blogging world isn't?

I've always had self-esteem issues related to my weight. even when I graduated high school at 94 lbs, I despised my cottage cheese thighs. over time, my extreme love for all things deep-fried, loaded with taurine, and containing enough sodium to rival the dead sea (not together, of course, although that could be fun...) ravaged my figure. my friend mentioned last night that she just doesn't believe I was ever chunky monkey and my friend tonight says I look exactly the same except my bosom shrank; so here's a blog post dedicated to the exploitation of my weight gain and subsequent loss. to ensure the accuracy of the photos, I stole them all from Amy.

starting point (my photo):
spring 2007, pre-grad school and mid-gym rat phase of life






July 2009:
by no means "heavy" but you can see the fleshy legs and what a pound of potato wedges every other day will do to a midsection





early may 2010:
stretchy top and skirt aren't so stretchy anymore!









may 22, 2010:
yes, the angle is unflattering, but I think it was about this time that I couldn't wear my regular pants and blamed "getting older" for my rounder-than-usual face and hips.








July 4, 2010:
and like a knight in shining armor, my vanity and sanity returned and I started the "eat clean" diet and tracked all my calories through calorie tracker on my iPhone. at least my face wasn't the size of a hot air balloon anymore. (and sorry to crop you out, amy!) I joined golds gym a week later.









august 2010:
my t shirts stopped hugging my midsection and at least I could button my jeans again.









mid-september 2010:
my b2b training flattened my stomach and created definition in my legs (compare to first pic posted!). I think I finally started to believe in the reality of my weight loss around this time.









October 31, 2010:
when I saw these Halloween pictures, I thought, "hey! I actually don't look fat anymore!" breakthroughs are excellent!








and you've seen recent pics on my blog. since this was taken just a few days ago, here's what I currently look like (4 lbs heavier than my lightest weight around early September):








yes, I'm wearing leggings as pants. hipster shmipster.

there's no big secret to my weight loss. eat well and exercise, and stay dedicated. my current weight is a little heavier than I would like, but I don't feel deprived or weak; I remember coming home and passing out in high school because I ate water and cheetohs for lunch. I'm okay with weighing over 100 lbs and not squeezing my buttcheeks into a size 00 anymore.

here's to being healthy! and happy.

new: misc

new: zero calorie, zero sugar, zero taste rating Monster aka poison disguised as canned energy






new: fall leaves make the view from my balcony nearly picture-perfect






new: my first pair of danskos. miracle to solve my aching feet? pending.






new: fall attire. complete with new skinny jeans.





what's new with you, reader?

new: B2B

in junior high, I hated two things: menstruating and "running the mile" in PE. I think a good mile time for me was something like 14 or 15 minutes. maybe even 20. sweating was just so, like, not kewl and skinny was, like, so gr8.

well, I still think sweating is yucky. however, so is feeling like a blobby chunk of cottage cheese with flesh. the scale says I've lost 21 lbs since June, and with newfound confidence comes a sense of athleticism and duty to display these solid beastly thighs. and ta-da, today I ran my first 5k race: barber to Boise, although the 5k actually looped through just Boise.

my pre-race self-portrait.






the race was quick. I started out frustrated, weaving through strollers and children in tutus. (now, I think a tutu would have been fabulous. then, I thought, "MOVE YOUR FLUFFY TAFFETA OR LOSE IT!") I made it past the 1 mile mark, still at a solid jog, and I heard a girl say, "1.33!" (miles), checked my watch and saw it had been about 12 minutes and I immediately thought, Frick, i'm going to burn out.

I walked five times between the halfway point and the finish line, was beaten by an 11-year-old in a grass skirt (the shame), but finished with a time of 31:44. I think my thought process during the final lap around Bronco Stadium was, "sweatpancakessweatpainpancakesowwwwPANCAKES..."

then I ate my victory food with a 50ish-yrs old friendly couple who finished in under 20 minutes. good for them, I hope I am still as fit and in love when I'm 50.





then I remembered why I should have ridden my bike today after reaching my car. stupid hybrid piece of crap, I hope you rot in a junkyard next to toasters and curling irons.

nap time.

you didn't think i'd really leave you hanging, did you?

time for some reflection.  thank you, readers, for taking time out of your day to catch up on what's going on in my menial life filled with bordering-on-neurotic contemplations about this strange world around us.

- goodbye, summer.  you were filled with questions-- mostly unanswerable, at no fault of your own-- and now the rest of the year seems like a slow descent into chilly hibernation and gloom.

- my best friend's niece opened a facebook account and wants to be friends.  she's 11.  while i enjoy social networking in all its oversharing glory, i am scared for the generation of children who will grow up looking at pictures of themselves on the internet and researching potential boyfriends on twitter and never really understand anonymity.  some things are meant to stay private; i don't know if an 11-year-old girl can distinguish between what's an appropriate status update and what crosses the line.  i love her; but i denied her request.

- i registered for barber to boise! 24 days! to be honest, i am motivated by 2 things: 1) PANCAKE BREAKFAST WITH COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! and 2) free shirt.

- i need my friends and family in ways i'm not even consciously aware of, but some restless urge inside me begs for a change: moving.  where to-- undecided.  how far-- negotiable.

- the gym routine is starting to bore me.  cardio.  lift weights.  sweat sweat sweat sweat.  sometimes i resent being a girl-- i would love to get my exercise by riding my bike or jogging, but i can't go alone (and since i'm pretty much a loner, i have no one to go with me).  so i'm signing up for a community education class that mixes kickboxing and "modern dance moves"-- which brings me closer and closer to being a true "glee" star-- to break up my workout routine a little bit.  i feel sort of guilty for spending more money on fitness-- like, doesn't gold's gym take enough of my limited funds?-- but, as a pharmacist i used to work with once said, i should never feel bad about splurging on activities that make me a better person.

- kurt vonnegut's "player piano" has been on my nightstand for weeks now, just 2 chapters read.  what's wrong with me?  i used to love reading.  did my education really leech all literary desires from my personality?  maybe it will come back.  or perhaps i need a new genre/author/etc to get me interested again.  recommendations welcome.

- halloween is approaching quickly: i've decided to be a cowgirl!  although today, amy decided not to throw a halloween party, so my costume idea may change based on the party venue.  my co-workers think my potential costume is missing an essential girl element: the slut factor.  to be continued.

how are you, reader?  share with me.

summer day 89

somehow I skipped ahead a day. hmm.





today I realized that I start a new schedule next week: two steady days a week at another store. this means I will only be at my home store 3 days a week--at the most.

I have mixed feelings about the transition. my new store is somewhat of a giant 7-11 type of place. convenience. fast. irregulars. however, the people I will work are awesome-- upbeat, friendly, go-getter workers. I feel welcome and foreign at the same time. the drive to work is shorter for me, so that's a plus too.

I'll keep you posted.

summer day 85

some things never change. like my hair always grows back after a haircut.





like the leaves beginning to turn yellow with fall's impending seasonal reign.

I love this time of year.

summer day 78

beautiful day in eagle.




lead to an impromptu solo 6ish mile bike ride on my mom's new schwinn.






hung out at heritage park after sulking because I didn't have a bike lock and therefore couldn't get starbucks.






enjoyed some quiet time cruising around my old stomping grounds. felt good to breathe some fresh air. as c once stated, "girls don't sweat; they glisten."






and then I indulged in some nachos and hummus and garden tomatoes for the BSU game. another great day.

summer day 75

a few months ago, I accepted my chub and donated all my small clothes. I kept a few things but mostly for sentimental reasons.





now none of my clothes fit. i've been rearranging my closet, cursing my formerly 18-lbs heavier self for being so reckless, and i'm trying to decide if another 5 lbs is really what I want--or if I could allow myself a chocolate chip cookie without jogging/fast walking 2.5 miles on the treadmill as punishment.

you think you know what you want, and then being nicknamed "baggy butt" suddenly changes everything. this is a dilemma.

summer day 74

got me some new asics to train for my 5k race in October. ah, this is change.

summer day 65

I bought a pair of Ann Taylor Loft slacks during my teaching days; they are a creamy/off-white color with a thin navy blue stripe, size 0p. guess who can wear them again? yep! this is serious marketing for golds gym. and dieting.

exercise and eat clean: get results.

summer day 56

this is my new haircut-- shorter layers and majorly thinned out. thanks, fantastic sams!

summer day 27

oops forgot to post yesterday! bad me. well, yesterday was somewhat of a milestone for me. first, this is a shirt that was too tight for several months.








later, I broke out a dress that I bought the summer after I graduated from high school and have not worn for at least a year. It was a little snug, but I celebrated fitting back into a size 0 with a trip to TCBY. wise, huh?








yum, kiwi strawberry sorbet!