i knew it was a dream when it started.
we are racing,
zooming down a series of yellow plastic slides
instead of using the playground stairs.
i hear your footsteps behind me,
my hair stuck to my lipgloss smile,
and happiness bubbles in my throat.
i tell myself (i sound a lot like ellen page),
"you're happy
right now.
you won't stay happy."
i protest by looking back at you; i want you
to hug me and squeeze away the voices in my head.
i reach the bottom,
the grass is warm under my bare toes,
and i hold my hand over my eyes to block the sunlight
now directly in my eyes.
i scan the maze of slides and find nothing, so i turn around again.
i see you.
you're sitting at a gray plastic patio table
with her,
your left arm draped loosely around her shoulders.
i suddenly feel old,
tired,
and i tug at my shorts hem to cover my thighs.
then, the voice tells me,
"it's the most feared
in the land.
he can smell you.
he will eat your eyeballs out."
a shadow and a cold breeze covers me.
i look up.
a golden eagle with veiny human eyes
and feathers made of entrails
circles the graying skies to land in the middle of the playground.
he opens his enormous, sharp beak--
glistening with fresh blood-- and screeches
like a stuck pig.
i hear the whoosh of his wings as he lands,
and i run.
i tear full speed
towards some tall trees
before its teeth sink into my left leg,
a jolting electric pain
rushes up my hip and into the base of my skull.
game over.
but this is how my dreams work.
round two.
i'm alive and healthy,
standing at your table,
just watching you
two.
in my dreams, she never looks the same.
tonight, she has short blonde pigtails, blue eyes, and red freckles.
her facial expression tells me I am pathetic.
it starts to rain.
the eagle will appear any second,
so i scan our surroundings and take refuge in a storm drain.
i barely fit
so i pull my knees tight against my chest, scrape my knuckles
against the grainy cold concrete,
feel the mud ooze under my slipping feet,
and the shockingly frigid water--
full of sticks and plastic cups and forks (from your picnic)--
flows over my head and shoulders into my lap.
"stupid. he's going to find you."
i clench my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering.
i peer through the grate,
push my hair out of my eyes, and gasp when
a giant red eye meets mine.
game over again.
now,
i stand once more in front of you,
shivering and bloody.
your friends have joined you
two
as i was screaming your name to get your attention.
i look right at you and ask,
"why
didn't
you
save
me?"
the conversation quiets.
she smirks.
your friends giggle.
they resume
talking in rushed,
whispering voices.
your eyes are on her.
my breathing becomes irregular to cover the tears stinging my eyes.
"why won't you save me?"
i ask again.
you are still
watching
her
watch
me.
"Andrea, you don't need me to save you."
when you finally look at me,
i notice that your face is covered in freckles--
just like her.
just like a child.
round three.
the sun shines.
it's a beautiful day. but
i feel the panic rise in my chest;
i have to defeat the eagle.
despite the warm weather, you wear a jacket.
i know exactly what to do.
i trick you into standing in the middle of the field.
the eagle lands behind you
and plucks off your coat.
a trail of feathers scatters across the grass.
instead of running, you reach for your coat back.
he plays with you like
cat and mouse,
letting you grab a jacket arm and then yanks you into the air.
she asks me,
"what is he doing?"
i say nothing.
i know i've won.
the eagle flips you into the air,
beak opens,
and clamps shut.
"it's
you.
it's
always
been
you,"
i whisper.
i don't need you to save me.
