compost

this weekend,

I made a new friend, my mini pillow pet Elmer, that Amy bought for me.









I dressed up in my new cheetah print tutu (thanks, Kim!) and danced around my apartment.








this was my graceful pose but I look like Mr.Roboto-Fail. so here's another one (and so you can see the peep toe on my Ed Hardy pumps).









I made a new door hanger decoration thing-- I created my own pattern and learned a lot in the process. like, I am not good enough yet to sew a bird....
















I vowed to stop crying everyday because it's really just pathetic.









I downloaded this new app that allows me to add text to my pictures. this means I can totally geek out and tumblr will love me for my Taylor Swift quotations.









I spent some time outdoors in the sunshine.








and looked out, with new appreciation, at my parents' backyard. my dad landscaped the acre lot with my mom's help (including setting up the sprinkler system and building the fence and scavenging new build sites for river rocks) and each year, the foliage and visiting animals and decorations grow more beautiful.























I suppose, however, that some things will never change.








I will always wish for you.

sunny soundtrack

so glad today was warm (this is a relative term...) and sunny!

the song in my heart finally sounds like, "every time you smile, i smile...":



because i'm really, really tired of hearing "it rains when you're here amd it rains when you're gone":





what song is playing on your life's soundtrack right now, reader?

i would single-handedly jumpstart this econony given the opportunity.

by now, many of you have filed your taxes-- and perhaps already received your refund.  maybe you used your money to catch up on some bills.  or maybe you spent it on some new furniture.  or maybe you are super lucky and stashed it away in your savings account.

or maybe you're like me and you used your refund to pay your parents back for some frustrating car repairs.

and you end up feeling like this:

even though my tax refund is already accounted for, i still dream about what i could have purchased to illuminate my world.  i live on a pretty tight budget (mostly out of necessity and partly because it's just how i am), and i rarely splurge on big ticket items anymore-- i mean, nail polish doesn't really count.


how about a new schwinn?

that i would totally pimp out with this bike seat:

or maybe some 1950's-style gray patent heel-LESS shoes:

or maybe some less shocking michael kors platforms for summer:

or maybe a new ed hardy tote (see! not every DEH item is obnoxious and emo):

or maybe a new swimsuit after i tan a bit:

or maybe some front row tickets to see taylor swift in LA's staple center on my birthday to hear her sing "haunted" LIVE:




in truth, dear reader, i am not wanting for much.  or i shouldn't anyway.  in time, i will get what i need.  you will too.

party in the USA

mission: find cute, simple, classic, cheap clothes for summer.

status as of 4/14/11: epic fail. 1 pair of shorts and 1 hollister shirt will not dress ne for 4 months.

status as of 4/15/11: nearly complete.

ok so i walk into Walmart to buy cleaning supplies. and i'm like,

"whoa! zebra print shorts!"






then I was like, "omg, t-shirts! so soft! v neck! Miley Cyrus!"






and then I was like, "ribbed cotton tanks in animal prints and solids! and only $4.50! the sign is lying!"






and then I was like, "gah dark wash distressed cutoffs!!!!!!!!!"






and then I was like, "wow, Boise Towne Square mall just got pwned by Wallyworld. sweet."

I feel like supporting Walmart is almost the equivalent to supporting terrorism (wait, can I say that without DHS banging down my door? guess we'll find out....), but then again kudos to them for marketing a desireable product at a reasonable price.

and I also found a strip of 5 buttons to replace old buttons on a sweater... which is great because I only need five-- not 6 or multiples of 2. if you truly know me, you'll know why I have issues with paying for that extra button.

now to clean my apartment before the black helicopters show up.

(ef)face

i knew it was a dream when it started.

we are racing,
zooming down a series of yellow plastic slides
instead of using the playground stairs.
i hear your footsteps behind me,
my hair stuck to my lipgloss smile,
and happiness bubbles in my throat.

i tell myself (i sound a lot like ellen page),

"you're happy
right now.

you won't stay happy."

i protest by looking back at you; i want you
to hug me and squeeze away the voices in my head.

i reach the bottom,
the grass is warm under my bare toes,
and i hold my hand over my eyes to block the sunlight
now directly in my eyes.
i scan the maze of slides and find nothing, so i turn around again.

i see you.
you're sitting at a gray plastic patio table

with her,

your left arm draped loosely around her shoulders.
i suddenly feel       old,
tired,
and i tug at my shorts hem to cover my thighs.

then, the voice tells me,
"it's the most feared
in the land.
he can smell you.
he will eat your eyeballs out."
a shadow and a cold breeze covers me.

i look up.

a golden eagle with veiny human eyes
and feathers made of entrails
circles the graying skies to land in the middle of the playground.
he opens his enormous, sharp beak--
glistening with fresh blood-- and screeches
like a stuck pig.
i hear the whoosh of his wings as he lands,

and i run.

i tear full speed
towards some tall trees
before its teeth sink into my left leg,
a jolting electric pain
rushes up my hip and into the base of my skull.

game over.

but this is how my dreams work.

round two.

i'm alive and healthy,
standing at your table,
just watching you
two.
in my dreams, she never looks the same.
tonight, she has short blonde pigtails, blue eyes, and red freckles.
her facial expression tells me I am pathetic.

it starts to rain.
the eagle will appear any second,
so i scan our surroundings and take refuge in a storm drain.

i barely fit
so i pull my knees tight against my chest, scrape my knuckles
against the grainy cold concrete,
feel the mud ooze under my slipping feet,
and the shockingly frigid water--
full of sticks and plastic cups and forks (from your picnic)--
flows over my head and shoulders into my lap.

"stupid. he's going to find you."

i clench my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering.
i peer through the grate,
push my hair out of my eyes, and gasp when

a giant red eye meets mine.

game over again.

now,
i stand once more in front of you,
shivering and bloody.
your friends have joined you
two
as i was screaming your name to get your attention.

i look right at you and ask,
"why
didn't
you
save
me?"

the conversation quiets.
she smirks.
your friends giggle.
they resume
talking in rushed,
whispering voices.

your eyes are on her.

my breathing becomes irregular to cover the tears stinging my eyes.

"why won't you save me?"
i ask again.
you are still
watching
her
watch
me.

"Andrea, you don't need me to save you."

when you finally look at me,
i notice that your face is covered in freckles--
just like her.
just like a child.

round three.

the sun shines.
it's a beautiful day. but
i feel the panic rise in my chest;
i have to defeat the eagle.

despite the warm weather, you wear a jacket.

i know exactly what to do.

i trick you into standing in the middle of the field.
the eagle lands behind you
and plucks off your coat.
a trail of feathers scatters across the grass.
instead of running, you reach for your coat back.
he plays with you like
cat and mouse,
letting you grab a jacket arm and then yanks you into the air.

she asks me,
"what is he doing?"
i say nothing.

i know i've won.

the eagle flips you into the air,
beak opens,
and clamps shut.

"it's
you.
it's
always
been
you,"

i whisper.

i don't need you to save me.

case for a paperless world

one of these is not like the other.




one of these fingers has a papercut under the cuticle.

one of these fingers bled for longer than most green day songs.

one of these fingers stung so much that I locked myself in the bathroom and cried at work (which I've only ever done twice-- once after my first car accident in my work's parking lot which was no big deal but I was 19 and stupid and I think the adrenaline got to me, and then once when I found out my hours were being cut at my home pharmacy because I thought I made someone mad and I realized how new and clueless I would seem to anyone else).

one of these fingers caused me to contemplate the unfairness of life and the complexity of human suffering.

one of these fingers showed me how big of a wuss I am-- there are people out there with broken clavicles or trapped under earthquake rubble or whatever.

one of these fingers should just knock it off. shut the hell up already, and get on with it.

is it possible the karma fairy screwed up?

this weekend is my "sad face" one-day weekend. but, nevertheless, I spent my afternoon volunteering for the humane society on one of their mobile adoptions-- or adoptions at another location other than the shelter.

I arrived and picked out the cutest 6 month old border collie mix puppy named neo. he has the softest ears! I gave him a big hug and kiss. about fifteen minutes into my shift, I was standing with neo and talking to another volunteer when I heard, "oh no! it's diarrhea!" which, let's face it, is never a good sign.


and it's definitely not a good sign when people are pointing to the dog at the end of my leash.

so, I collected paper towels and spray and doggie poo bags. the scent of green dog crap is just as terrible as it sounds. to calm down and to distract myself, I was thinking good thoughts (pretty ponies, tila tequila, warm blankets that smell like fresh laundry, tila tequila again...) but the disgustingly warm poo just melted to watery chunks when I tried grabbing it with the mutt mitt bags.

I walked neo outside, let him pee, and headed back inside where it was not raining. about 10 feet inside the store, the dreaded "shit hunch" started again and he squirted out some more #2's all over the floor. in a circle.

checked my watch. 18 minutes had passed. 3 hours and 42 minutes to go.

another 4 minutes pass and I'm handed another dog-- the volunteer's back began spasming and she couldn't handle the 56 lb lab mix with no leash training anymore. so as I'm being jerked in a perpetual circle (because the dog is more than half my weight and more than 60000 times beyond my comfort zone), I'm thinking I should have just stayed home and painted my nails.

I looked long and hard at my situation. 3 older ladies are cuddling their chihuahua mixes and runny neo on their laps, chattering away. the two high school boys are being dragged around the store with their pit bull and Australian shepherd. I mean, I know I work out at Golds and everything, but seriously. seriously! at some point, I feel the strain of my smile as I tried--over and over-- to calm the dog down with kind words, lots of petting, and repeated visits outside.

when my second blister popped and started oozing, I felt the sharp sting of hot tears in my eyes. I can only fantasize about tila's ginormously perfect rack for so long before the physical pain and my natural emoness take over.










as the unnamed tank/dog attempted to dislocate my shoulder for the 70th time, I vowed that my good deeds have to end. I try to do something nice and just get screwed. rather mindlessly, I let the tornado-on-a-leash lead us outside. right before we made it to the doors, a young couple look at the dog, point, and exclaim, "IT'S HER! SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!"

they proceed to shower her with undue compliments and affection. they mumble something about how they saw her online profile, heard about the mobile adoption on Facebook, and came down to see her. this is the one and only time I have ever seriously wanted to make out with al gore, for his marvelous invention of the interweb was a beacon of heaven and lead to my salvation.

they announced they want to adopt her. my heart fluttered with joy and relief! they began the paperwork, left briefly to get some money, and were very excited to get Lily (they named her after a while) home to Coors, their other dog.

I inspected my leash wounds.













and concluded that this would be the last mobile adoption I work at. if there was some way to specify weight/breed preferences or to morph into experienced dog-handler over night, I would love to continue helping these animals find their future homes.

but seriously, reader, all I could think about was going home, washing the stink of poop and drool off of me, and gorging on some top ramen.





these converses are made for admin volunteering.

the end.

harro

saw this on connor's tumblr and laughed.






i am, indeed, THAT crazy bitch.

and hooray for the 152 blog views this week! I am surprised and elated and embarrassed and curious and self-conscious. please don't let me find out that 150 views are from bots in china... it will break my heart.

have a beautiful weekend. you motivate me, mystery reader.

"i think love is fearless"

me

without you

is like

taylor swift



without rain

"the way you move is like a full on rain storm. and i'm a house of cards."

welcome, April

good evening, fearless reader. I hope you had a great weekend-- what fun things did you experience? thoughts you'd like to share?

well, march is over and it's the first month of 2011 that I can say I'm not bidding good riddance to. march was filled with so many awesome moments (thanks for reading and sharing those little excitements with me)-- and many I didn't share here-- but it was also a month of goodbyes and heartaches and realizations. march also set a new record: 599 blog views in 31 days! I wish I knew every single one of you reading about my quirky life-- leave me a comment about you and what inspires you to live, please!

this weekend was so great-- hello, 4-2011! on Friday, I met up with my best friend and perused the mall and then we gorged on Thai food (spring rolls, pho, and drunken noodles! hell yes!).





on Saturday, I woke up early to browse the thrift stores for some cheap summer clothes and met becca for lunch at Idaho pizza company-- our semi-official meeting place.





then I worked (yay overtime!) and hung out with gregory house all night.






this morning I had bfast with CR (and wife) and discussed his current writing project. still loving the fresh fruit and granola from big city. I spent the afternoon sitting in the sun with my mom, mulling over life and whatnot. tonight, I went to a potluck at kim's and had a great time observing the group's umm libations and whatnot.



this weekend reminds me that life goes on. I can't waste my time waiting for something that is never going to happen and wanting people in my life who don't give a damn about me. I need to surround myself with friends and attitudes that motivate and enlighten me. I'm getting there.

now to put my magnetic poetry calendar back together.






and it's time to get some sleep. I've been awake for over 24 hours now-- perhaps the first time since grad school!