dear x: begin again

dear x,

i began my journey of over-sharing to determine if i am capable of feeling love. i knew by doing so that i would resurrect reserved memories and expose some of you in the process. while i will admit that my love letters were not as productive as i initially hoped, i am so overwhelmed with a range of emotions for you-- and for the future.

perhaps it is too easy to blame my unwillingness to open up to new potential x's because of you. you, x, after all, lied to me, said crushing things, changed your mind, and left me-- in some way-- alone. you have helped create this psyche, this outlook, this worth, this self,






until i realized it's time to take ownership of my past, and that means you, x. you happened. i will never be the same. but at the end of the day, or at the first morning yawn, you are stagnant; ever effacing; past. writing to you this month has brought me some closure by materializing (as much as an internet blog post can do) my feelings and allowing an audience to empathize with a rarely deeply discussed sector of my life, body, and mind.

thank you, dear readers, for working through my love letters with me; maybe you have reflected on what has brought you to this point in your own life-- and who you do and don't share those experiences with now.

i suppose what remains is acceptance. dear x, i know everything happens for a reason. i can't deny how empty i feel at times, as if my ribs are parentheses bearing a dull heart that pitters listlessly and patters unfulfilled. but capturing some of those moments with you in these entries lets me relive and acknowledge what once made me happy; and what is love if not to share joy with and for someone. while simply stating that i forgive you and you are eternally free from the prison of my darkened mind is just not possible, i do however, x, agree to start letting go.

of what was.


of what could have been.

and perhaps releasing the bitterness and sadness and jadedness will generate space for someone who will see the fingerprints you left on my heart but who will surprise me by sailing away with me on the tide that gently slips over those grooves-- dispersing your memories into the swells that carry us into the horizon, enchanted.

love,

a.







i almost brought him up

but you start to talk about the movies

that your family watches every single christmas

so i won't talk about that

for the first time

what's passed is

past

dear x: down

dear x,

you don't know this but i send you love letters every day:

in the dandelion puffs floating through the afternoon air, a secret wish attached to each brown seed.

with each brush stroke through my inky hair, taming the strands after their fiery dance with the dryer to look polished and smooth.

at the turn of each doorknob, a quick inhaled breath to hold back disappointment when i know you're not on the other side.

on the road, my bike tires hum with velocity-- calling out a gearsong, hoping you'll recognize its pattern and meet up after the next hill.

against flannel sheets at 3 am, my cheek brushes against cold pillow and i sigh with solitude and sleep.

between the tap of each keyboard character, my forefingers still remember tracing the moles on your back.

before i almost surrender to the silence of lacking emotions and feelings for anyone else, i mouth the words "i love you" silently, wondering if the tiniest motion of my lips will decorate the evening air, tiptoe in shadow to your end of the city, and come to rest upon your forehead-- so slightly you think perhaps a breeze snuck through your windowpanes.

love,
a.

i'll try to kiss you if you let me

this can't be the end

dear x: nothing's gonna stop us now

dear x,

i almost called you the other night while i was driving home in the rain because you're always the first person i think of when i'm scared.

after the lab dedication for mary ellen, i really missed having people in my life that i admire and respect. when i was a student, i was constantly supported by positive people with similar goals and interests who encouraged me to develop my talents and be proud of my accomplishments. however, you were my biggest fan, for whatever reasons, and you believed in me so much that i didn't have to; i had no idea the immensity of your stability until you were gone.

i am so scared, x, that i will never be as great as you believed me to be. i am terrified of mediocrity, of being just good enough, of never being loved by anyone else because you were wrong and i suck. i broke up with you because ironically i chose love over friendship; i chose the possibility of greater things over actual contentedness; yet, i haven't even come remotely close to finding anyone that equals you. i do suck.

which is why i am writing you this love letter: once upon a time you loved me at my best, and i am thankful for all of the years you carried 95-lbs of me (and up to 120 when i was chunky monkey). before i met you, i ached for the day when i would meet someone that i trusted enough to love me as i loved him. and then i found you. and i am still so very happy that i did.

love,
a.

and if this world runs out of lovers,

we'll still have each other

state of grace

dear readers,

should any of you remain: hello.

i've spent the last year in self-afflicted mild isolation. with great space comes great reflection. one such realization that i've been trying to put into words is the lack of love in my heart.

i know it sounds super corny and somewhat plebeian of me to discuss something as paltry as love. especially here. but, my recent years have made a malcontent out of me and i am hard to impress these days. this last year, i have been called cold and heartless and the b-word more times than i would like to admit; such blatant accusations about my inability (or unwillingness) to reciprocate true feelings has prompted me to embark on a new blog challenge.

a series of love letters.

don't panic just yet. each post will be addressed to a nameless person from my past. while i would so love (ha) to fill this challenge with letters of adornment directed at chuck bass and darkside skittles, my primary aim is to celebrate actual life experiences and feelings with actual people that have affected me, even if we were never actually in love per se. each post will, in some way, provide a sense of closure for me-- which, let's face it, for me may just be reflection and projection.

as always, my lovely reader(s), i appreciate you working through this with me. your suggestions and support are always welcome.




affected,
a.

so you were never a saint

and we loved in shades of wrong

we learned to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts,

but this love is brave and wild

compost

this weekend,

I made a new friend, my mini pillow pet Elmer, that Amy bought for me.









I dressed up in my new cheetah print tutu (thanks, Kim!) and danced around my apartment.








this was my graceful pose but I look like Mr.Roboto-Fail. so here's another one (and so you can see the peep toe on my Ed Hardy pumps).









I made a new door hanger decoration thing-- I created my own pattern and learned a lot in the process. like, I am not good enough yet to sew a bird....
















I vowed to stop crying everyday because it's really just pathetic.









I downloaded this new app that allows me to add text to my pictures. this means I can totally geek out and tumblr will love me for my Taylor Swift quotations.









I spent some time outdoors in the sunshine.








and looked out, with new appreciation, at my parents' backyard. my dad landscaped the acre lot with my mom's help (including setting up the sprinkler system and building the fence and scavenging new build sites for river rocks) and each year, the foliage and visiting animals and decorations grow more beautiful.























I suppose, however, that some things will never change.








I will always wish for you.

welcome, April

good evening, fearless reader. I hope you had a great weekend-- what fun things did you experience? thoughts you'd like to share?

well, march is over and it's the first month of 2011 that I can say I'm not bidding good riddance to. march was filled with so many awesome moments (thanks for reading and sharing those little excitements with me)-- and many I didn't share here-- but it was also a month of goodbyes and heartaches and realizations. march also set a new record: 599 blog views in 31 days! I wish I knew every single one of you reading about my quirky life-- leave me a comment about you and what inspires you to live, please!

this weekend was so great-- hello, 4-2011! on Friday, I met up with my best friend and perused the mall and then we gorged on Thai food (spring rolls, pho, and drunken noodles! hell yes!).





on Saturday, I woke up early to browse the thrift stores for some cheap summer clothes and met becca for lunch at Idaho pizza company-- our semi-official meeting place.





then I worked (yay overtime!) and hung out with gregory house all night.






this morning I had bfast with CR (and wife) and discussed his current writing project. still loving the fresh fruit and granola from big city. I spent the afternoon sitting in the sun with my mom, mulling over life and whatnot. tonight, I went to a potluck at kim's and had a great time observing the group's umm libations and whatnot.



this weekend reminds me that life goes on. I can't waste my time waiting for something that is never going to happen and wanting people in my life who don't give a damn about me. I need to surround myself with friends and attitudes that motivate and enlighten me. I'm getting there.

now to put my magnetic poetry calendar back together.






and it's time to get some sleep. I've been awake for over 24 hours now-- perhaps the first time since grad school!

the goods: A to Z

i got this idea from an english girl i follow on tumblr.  here's a favorite item starting with each letter of the alphabet. maybe you'll learn something new about me. maybe you'll think about what your list would look like. maybe we have favorites together and can share.

a is for applesauce

especially my mom's.

b is for basenji

these little critters can't bark.

c is for curly hair

maybe my 20's were good for something.

d is for dancing alone

doesn't rihanna look gorgeous?

e is for eric northman

exchanging bodily fluids never sounded so good.

f is for fabric

my collection grows.

g is for gossip girl

call me cheesy, but i love chuck bass.

he understands her.

h is for hello kitty

i wouldn't be a good asian if i didn't love her.

i is for indian food

the mix of flavors, scents, and textures is amazing.

j is for jelly beans

starburst jb's are tops.

k is for kitty

how can you resist a snuggle?

l is for late night happy hours

discounted apps and drinks with friends.

m is for mirrors

paris hilton taught me to never pass one up.

n is for nail polish

it's like makeup for your nails.

o is for owls

wise and flighty.

p is for pilot precise v5 rolling ball pens

can't write effectively without one.

q is for quincy

little green lizard from foxtrot is so stinkin' cute.

r is for fresh rain on pavement

shiny, smelly, and makes me want to dance.

s is for soup

i would eat it every day for the rest of my life.

t is for taylor trifecta

swift, momsen, and lautner. sigh.

u is for undies

especially pretty ones like gilly hicks.

v is for venus razors

over a decade of shaving with minimal (albiet, traumatic at times) knicks.

w is for watermelon gum

"candy" fix and stress reliever in one.

x is for xylitol

ok, a bit of a stretch, but it does taste pretty natural.

y is for yimmys yayo

because he's the man.

z is for zebra prints

black, white, simple, and visually exciting.

the goods: snacks

on Sunday, I worked with one of my favorite pharmacists-- and due to a sick twist of fate, I only see her every couple of weeks. so for our 8 hour workday aka "the Asians take over the pharmacy and don't even give free massages" day, we decided to bring some snacks to make the day even better.

I made a pizza dip with cream cheese, pizza sauce, cheese, and pizza toppings. the pharmacist brought a nice greens salad and crusty bread for dipping-- and she brought white chocolate chip cranberry cookies for dessert. so yummy.

I love days at work when I'm reminded of the awesome people I work with.

the goods: dresses

i opened my email this morning and found links to both the new anthro and UO spring catalogs full of dresses. beautiful. colorful. fitted. coordinated. perfect.

like this one:

which only makes me want spring to come even faster.