writing about you has allowed me to live in two separate worlds this month: the past and the present. i lived this once, love; and now, by smashing memories into typed characters i live again.
there are some experiences i would live over and over if i could. the problem lately is that i am distracted by your ghost in this room, therefore i fail to be present wholly anywhere, and i cheat myself of enjoying simplicity or complexity-- always wishing that you could be here too. so now my experiences are sort of halved, cheapened, incomplete.
i am writing you this love letter, x, to share these gigantic suitcases of memories that i lug with me, up stairs, in the rain, across states, outside your workplace, down the abyss that occupies so many of my solitary moments. wont you please take some baggage and unzip compartments and sort with me?
here, that shirt is from the first time i spent the night with you at your new house. we split a bottle of white zin, listened to music through your television, and actually said goodnight in person. you kissed my shoulder and whispered, "youre so cute" as i fell asleep and dreamed about fish.
oh look, i wore those earrings the night you told me you we could never just be friends. "you have bows in your ears," you said, as you played with my hair.
that, that is the perfume i bought a few days before you stayed at my place for a few weeks. spray it a bit; smelling it reminds me of sitting around my coffee table in the evenings watching archer and you said, "i usually cant be around people for very long, but i dont know. i like being with you." and then we talked about movies and i liked how your forearm felt under mine.
and then theres the empty suitcase. you found that. i bring that with me wherever i go, just in case you decide to come back. i can fill it with new memories. its silly, i knew youd think so. but its here, always, so that i can be ready.
im still here.
love,
a.
lead me up the staircase
won't you whisper soft and slow
i'm captivated by you, baby,
like a fireworks show
(absolutely love this cover of one of my swifty favorites)
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