an attempt at reflection:

suddenly, i simultaneously resemble the grudge-holding, slightly neurotic character of billy (vincent gallo) and the people-pleasing, filled with ennui character of layla (christina ricci) in buffalo '66.

let's start with layla. (if this was an academic paper, i'd be criticized for reverse the order of items in my "thesis." well, this isn't academia. i hope you're okay with that.) layla goes about her own business, happily tap-dancing in class before she is kidnapped in the hallway by billy. he covers her mouth. he pulls her hair. billy "coerces" her into her car (which consisted of yelling, mostly), which she drives to his parents' house (because he can't drive a "shifter") and is introduced as his significant other. for the rest of the movie, she goes to a diner with him, goes bowling, gets a hotel room, and basically becomes his "reason" for life. layla is swept away by a crazy person who--only hours earlier--was just released from prison. she has choices, she has outs, but she doesn't take them. and it's not like billy is prince charming; he bosses her around. right before meeting his parents, billy said, "if you make me look bad, i'll never talk to you again. ever." right before billy leaves the hotel, she pleads with him to come back. "i love you," she says. billy mesmerizes her. she understands him.

here's the analysis part (again, if this was an academic paper, i'd be criticized for exposing my "skeleton" and intentions with explicit verbal cues instead of just getting to it): i've lately been wrestling with my own derailment from my seemingly content, bubble-like life as a student, friend, and daughter. you know: the usual. i wasn't whole-heartedly dedicated to continuing my education or to constructing an life independent from other people (like friends, or my parents' expectations, or the desire to be in a relationship with a boy). i let the newness of graduation freedom, the fear of confrontation, and my own passive personality sweep in and forge a new direction for my life. i didn't even throw a fit. i let billy in.

billy-- a character that simply could NOT be played by anyone BUT vincent gallo-- was semi-wronged by a strip club owner that he spends nearly the entire movie trying to track down so he can blow his brains out. he's mentally, emotionally, and physically cut off from the world. socially awkward. slightly violent. self-destructive. a thinker. in some ways, billy tries to reason with societal acceptance. he puts on a show for his parents (including his football-obsessed mother played by angelica huston) in hopes they'll break out of their prejudices to acknowledge him as he is. layla tries to hold his hand to put on the front that they are a happy couple for his parents, and billy freaks out. "we are a couple that doesn't touch," he scolds. when he's released from prison, he asks if he can go back inside. the world according to billy is full of goons and smelly people. he shows some semblance of feeling by buying layla a chocolate milk at the donut shop. he's not entirely unredeemable. he's just billy.

billy is not entirely rational. he makes decisions based on deep-seeded revenge and rebellion. i've been skeptical about the goodness of humanity for a while now, and many different events in life confirm for me that people just plain suck. my unemployment has caused more than one person to explode with anger; one even told me that i am "the greatest disappointment" of her life. at the time, i didn't think this statement would affect me so profoundly. but it has. i'm a disappointment? then 1) what it takes to not disappoint someone is clearly beyond my means, and 2) fine, i'll show you a frickin disappointment. another certain someone in my life criticizes me for not acknowledging his actions, when his words (and philosophies on relationships, interactions between men/women, etc.) often undermine and contradict what he does. like billy, peoples' outward actions mean nothing to me unless they are backed with a true, legitimate character beneath. i don't know what it means anymore to be loved. or to love. my heart is cold.

yet, despite that coldness, i still seek acceptance. i want the people in my life to accept me, to advise me in productive ways, and to desire me not based on what they think i can be. i'm flawed. so are you.

so what? perhaps we all have conflicting aspects to our personalities: sometimes one screws up, one tries to console the other, both aren't strong enough (or viable enough) to exist as independent entities. they depend on each other.

or perhaps some of us have it figured out. i'm not one of those people.