new: combat training

when I joined golds gym, I was both intrigued and intimidated by the fitness classes offered there. so today, I decided to try one out: combat training. i figured it would be similar to my canceled turbo kick class, and the brochure pushed the high energy workout environment. so I showed up in the group exercise studio at 9:29 this morning, nervous but excited for my new workout.

four girls had already assumed their place on the wooden workout floor. a 7-months pregnant woman whose waist size is still probably smaller than the majority of american women was cuing up the stereo and affixing her headset. she chatted with the girl in front of me... just another monday...

my heart started racing with anticipation.

the music started. the beat echoed off the walls and reverberated in my quivering guts.

then I noticed that everyone was shifting their weight from side to side. guess I missed the memo to warmup. so I mimicked the movements, getting a feel for the music.

"forward shuffle!" boomed from the instructor's headset.

wait, what?

"and back!"

wait, what?

everyone--except me-- moved forward and back in unison. pretty sure I've seen wolf spiders pull this exact same move with me.

"and forward... now right hook!"

and in a swift movement of elbows and fists, I knew I was lost. so, Im standing there still bouncing back and forth and the instructor shouts, "and right punch! in the jaw... in the jaw... in the jaw! punch your attacker in the jaw!"

the girl next to me was staring angrily into the mirror punching the air like mike tyson and scowling like a woman scorned. I had a very strong desire to laugh. so I did. but then the instructor shouted, "now reach... and reach... and reach!" as the girls stretched their arms around like handcuffs... except at that moment, all I could think about was how they looked like sweaty earwigs trying to look tough with their reach around.

"and left hook! in the jaw... in the jaw... in the jaw... hit him square in the jaw."

my laughter progressed into shaking my head, so I gathered my water bottle and headed for the elliptical. there is something to be said for comfort. I caught glimpses of the class; the girls starting kicking and lunging in unison. obviously, I must have missed the BASIC combat training class for these choreographed self-defense moves.

I mean, maybe golds should teach how to defend myself against crazy ex-strippers from Texas who threaten me because her husband who I dated briefly in high school commented on my Facebook picture. because I'm pretty sure shuffle forward and left hook isn't going to work.

perhaps I already possess the necessary skills inherently present from my ninja ancestors.





and spider monkey... and spider monkey... and spider monkey!





and power ranger... and power ranger... and power ranger!

what I learned today: I am not cool enough for fitness classes. hi-ya.